


After The Honeymoon

by Lilsi



Category: The Bill
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-19
Updated: 2014-04-19
Packaged: 2018-01-20 01:12:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1491232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilsi/pseuds/Lilsi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This fanfiction was once posted at Craiggilmore.co.uk a fan site no longer active, so to preserve this story and others, I am importing them to AO3. I did not want the loss of such a large amount of amazing and wonderful fanfiction, it would be such a waste to fans of Craig Gilmore and Luke Ashton to not have the opportunity to enjoy these stories as i have. Since the site is no longer active i have been unable to contact the creators but if you happen to be them under a new pen name and want the fiction to be removed please send me a note!</p><p>Author of story is  - Clare<br/>See my profile for explanation.</p><p>Author’s Notes:  As I didn’t like the way The Bill treated the characters, I decided to change the story.  The storyline has therefore definitely been tampered with.  Not being able to understand how actual Bill time works, my time frame also differs quite a lot from theirs!  I don’t care about this though, as it’s my story, not theirs!  I’ve also blatantly lifted some speeches from the original screenplay.</p>
    </blockquote>





	After The Honeymoon

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfiction was once posted at Craiggilmore.co.uk a fan site no longer active, so to preserve this story and others, I am importing them to AO3. I did not want the loss of such a large amount of amazing and wonderful fanfiction, it would be such a waste to fans of Craig Gilmore and Luke Ashton to not have the opportunity to enjoy these stories as i have. Since the site is no longer active i have been unable to contact the creators but if you happen to be them under a new pen name and want the fiction to be removed please send me a note!
> 
> Author of story is - Clare  
> See my profile for explanation.
> 
> Author’s Notes: As I didn’t like the way The Bill treated the characters, I decided to change the story. The storyline has therefore definitely been tampered with. Not being able to understand how actual Bill time works, my time frame also differs quite a lot from theirs! I don’t care about this though, as it’s my story, not theirs! I’ve also blatantly lifted some speeches from the original screenplay.

Sitting beside the hotel’s swimming pool with his legs dangling in the cool water, Luke stared out at the beautiful scenery from behind the protection of his mirrored sunglasses.  Briefly looking over towards the bar, he could see that Kerry was desperately flirting with yet another man, in another vain attempt to make him jealous.  She was also obviously well on her way to being drunk again.  Luke sighed.  He couldn’t help feeling sorry for her: after all, this whole sorry mess was completely his fault.

 

This honeymoon should have been a time for both of them to be ecstatically happy.  God knows they'd really looked forward to the holiday while they'd been planning it.  Maybe the problems that had occurred in the days and weeks running up to the wedding, should have given them a clear signal that the marriage should never have gone ahead.  Heaven knows, there had been enough warnings.  What with Luke’s drunken parasite of a father turning up after all those years, the wedding dress fiasco, not to mention the cancelled venue.  Worst of all, of course, had been the murder of their friend, Cass Rickman, who was to have been Kerry’s bridesmaid.  Luke had suggested then that they postpone everything; maybe instead of simply suggesting, he should have insisted.  It might have given them the time they so obviously needed to think things over: to finally decide if they were really suited.

 

Luke knew his heart had never actually been in this wedding.  After all, he'd never really wanted to get engaged to Kerry in the first place... he'd proposed to her to get away from his personal problems.  She'd turned down his first proposal, but like a fool he'd gone back and repeated it, this time being accepted.  Looking back, he hadn’t even wanted to move into the flat with her; but he'd ignored his own intuition repeatedly telling him not to do it, as he blithely continued down the path to his own ruin. And why?  Only one reason of course -- Craig Gilmore!

 

Luke closed his eyes in anguish while he remembered his stag night.  Up until then, he'd just about been coping with the status quo, desperately trying to ignore what he really wanted, so that instead he could conform to what he felt he should be: Mr. Normal with a beautiful wife and a couple of kids in suburbia.  God knows, Luke knew, he'd really wanted to achieve that... to be everything his own father hadn’t been for their family while Luke was growing up.

 

Sometimes Luke wished he'd never met Craig.  If he hadn’t, he might have been happy now.  Because, until Craig had entered his life, he'd never even looked at a man.  Well, not in that way anyhow.  But he'd looked at Craig.  Oh God, how he'd looked at him!  Almost from that first moment after returning to Sun Hill, he hadn’t been able to stop himself from looking at Craig.  Luke smiled wryly... well; Craig certainly was worth looking at.  He was tall, strong, and good looking, but most of all, it was his eyes which had attracted Luke: those beautiful dark brown eyes that at certain unguarded moments seemed almost to be the mirror to Craig’s soul.  It was those eyes that had drawn Luke in, mesmerising in their intensity as they'd gazed intently into his own.

 

Luke mentally shook himself.  It was no good going back down that path, dreaming of what might have been.  He’d successfully destroyed all that by himself, as usual running towards what he thought he should have, rather than what he'd been so temptingly offered.  Luke wondered briefly if he would have had the guts to accept what he'd really wanted, if Gina hadn’t interrupted them that morning.

 

Gina Gold.  Well, she'd described herself as a ‘wicked witch’, and by God she'd certainly lived up to the title!  That woman had turned something that had been extremely beautiful and tender into something sordid and dirty.  She'd stood there in the bedroom and stared at both of them as though they were something nasty she'd just stepped in.

 

Whatever might happen to him in the future, Luke knew that he never would forget his stag night.  The kisses that Craig and he had previously shared in Craig’s office had paled almost into insignificance against the memories of the ecstasy of that long, perfect night.  Although extremely passionate, Craig had been caring and gentle with Luke when they'd made love, not trying to persuade Luke to do anything that he didn’t feel ready for.  In that single night, Luke had found more pleasure in Craig’s strong arms, than he'd ever felt in Kerry’s bed.  When he'd been with her, Luke had often felt like he was only going through the motions of sex, because that was what was expected of him.  Now reflecting back over the past few years, Luke realised that no woman had ever managed to turn him on to the same extent as Craig.

 

Forcing back the incipient tears, Luke remembered the joy he'd briefly allowed himself to experience the following morning, when Craig had told him that he loved him.  Equally though, he recalled the pain etched deeply into Craig’s face as he watched Luke get ready for his wedding, before Luke had walked out, leaving Craig sitting all alone in that horrible little room.  The room that only the previous night had seemed so special.

 

That hadn’t even been the worst part.  Craig had actually turned up at the church, and just for a minute, despite the panic that he was feeling, Luke had wanted to run up to the older man and beg him to just take him away.  If only he'd heeded that last small desperate warning.  Because after that it had been too late!  The next time he'd seen Craig, it had been at the reception, and Craig had obviously been drinking.

 

The last time that Luke had ever seen Craig had been completely heartbreaking.  It had happened outside in the station yard: Luke had been sitting down beside the ramp, just trying to make some sense about everything churning around in his mind, and as usual, failing miserably.  Looking up, he'd noticed Craig walking down the ramp towards him.  Remembering now, Luke impatiently brushed away a tear; as usual, he'd allowed his vicious tongue to take over.

 

Luke could still remember the love that had shone out of Craig’s eyes on his stag night: those beautiful eyes glowing at him in the subdued lighting of that bedroom.  However, on the ramp at their final meeting, Luke hadn’t seen any trace of love reflected in Craig’s eyes.  They’d been cold and stern, but even so, Luke could see the hurt that he'd inflicted lurking deep in their depths.  Even now, Luke could remember their last words.  As Craig had approached him, Luke had simply looked at him and cruelly said, “Go away.”

 

Craig had looked sternly down at him, and then had told him that he was going; was putting in for a transfer and wouldn’t be there when Luke got back from his honeymoon.  Craig had also said that he couldn’t believe that Luke had married Kerry.  Thinking about it now, Luke tried to remember what he'd said in return.  Of course... he'd bleated out his usual sad, trite old excuse.

 

“I love her.”

 

Craig had told Luke then, that he only thought he did, and of course Craig had been proven spectacularly right.  Who would have thought that everything meant to have been so perfect, could all have gone wrong so quickly?

 

Sitting by the pool now, staring aimlessly out at the beautiful seascape, which was totally wasted on him, Luke still couldn’t believe that he'd had the final cheek to ask Craig if they could remain mates.  Luke knew he would never forget his answer.

 

“Just like that!”  Craig then had gazed almost contemptuously down at him before saying, “The arrogance of youth... have a nice life, Luke.”

 

Turning his back on him, Craig had then simply strolled out of the station yard without a backward glance, leaving Luke desolate, with a well-deserved broken heart, and the knowledge that he'd nobody to blame but himself.

 

Since then, Luke had desperately tried to put all his worries behind him, knowing that it was up to him to make the best of things.  After all, he wasn’t alone in this marriage.  He had a beautiful bride who loved him and wanted to make him happy.  At first, Luke hadn’t envisaged that any problems would arise.  Luke had told himself that now Craig was out of his life, he could concentrate wholly on Kerry.  It wasn’t her fault that she wasn’t exactly who he wanted, but they'd managed well enough in bed before, even though Luke had often found himself fantasising about Craig. So naturally enough, Luke had assumed they should be able to continue exactly where they'd left off.

 

But everything had immediately gone wrong.  Straight after the reception, they'd taken a night flight to their destination.  By the time they’d arrived at the hotel, all they’d wanted to do was simply crash out and get some much needed sleep.  Still feeling exhausted by the travelling, and the various traumas of their wedding day, they hadn’t even been in the mood to make love until the following night.  Kerry had then begun to eagerly kiss him, but Luke had been impotent.  He’d realised then, that there was no way he was going to be able to have sex with her.  Too late, Luke realised that Craig, and what had happened on his stag night, had spoilt him for anyone else.

 

Over the next few days, Luke had really tried to make love to Kerry, but each time had failed dismally.  He had even tried shutting his eyes and imagining it was Craig, but unfortunately Kerry didn’t feel anything like Craig.  At first, Kerry had tried to be understanding, but, as the days passed and Luke grew steadily more distant, their relationship began to rapidly deteriorate.  It was only then that Luke realised Craig had been right all along.  Luke really did care for Kerry as a close friend, but he wasn’t in love with her... it was Craig whom he loved, but through his own stupidity he'd let him go.

 

Now, he didn’t even have Kerry’s friendship.  As Luke had physically and mentally withdrawn more and more into his own dark little world, brooding over what had gone wrong and feeling sorry for himself, Kerry had really tried to be kind and understanding.  Eventually, after being rebuffed time after time, and feeling extremely hurt and frustrated, Kerry had begun to instigate arguments, trying to evoke some kind of reaction from Luke.  When that hadn’t worked, she'd then tried to make Luke jealous, flirting with any good looking man who was willing to respond.

 

Pretending that she didn’t care that her new husband preferred to go off swimming or walking by himself, Kerry began circulating with a fun-loving crowd from their hotel, drinking and dancing late into the night.

 

Finally noticing what was happening, and in an effort to try and stop Kerry from making a fool of herself, Luke decided to tell her some of the truth -- but not all of it, as he still couldn’t cope with her knowing that he was gay.  One morning, before she had a chance to go out, Luke had finally admitted to Kerry that although he was fond of her, he didn’t love her and shouldn’t have married her.

 

This simple statement had escalated with Kerry completely losing all self control and hitting him.  Luke didn’t blame her though... after all, he'd effectively ruined her life.  From then on, any semblance of a relationship between them had deteriorated into an utter farce.  Kerry continued to do exactly what she wanted, rarely even bothering to speak to him.  Some nights she didn’t even come back to their room.  It was obvious that she was sleeping around, but Luke felt no jealousy, just a deep concern that she was being sensible enough to look after herself.

 

In the beginning, he'd tried remonstrating with her, but when Kerry realised that it wasn’t because he was feeling jealous, she'd informed Luke that it was her life, and although he didn’t want her, there were plenty who did.  Knowing that she was deeply hurt, since then, all Luke had been able to do was try to keep a watchful eye on her.

 

Sliding his body down into the cool water, Luke began to swim some lengths of the pool.  Reaching the far end, as Luke turned; he noticed one of the male guests and an obviously inebriated Kerry walking away from the bar, arms around each other, towards the main building.  Luke sighed as he stared after them.  He wondered if tonight he would get a good night’s sleep, or once again be woken up by Kerry crashing through the door at some ungodly hour.  It couldn‘t be helped though, as Luke knew he only had himself to blame.

 

Luke felt a deep sense of relief that their so-called honeymoon was finally over, and they were going home tomorrow.  He just hoped that Kerry wouldn’t be feeling too hung-over during the journey.  When they eventually arrived back at their flat, it was obvious that they would have some urgent decisions to make.  They were going to need to decide what was going to happen next.  Which one of them would be moving out.  There was also the bigger question of what Kerry would tell everyone when they got back to Sun Hill.  Just the thought of being back, knowing that Craig wouldn’t be there any more, was slowly beginning to destroy Luke.  How on earth was he going to manage, knowing that he probably would never see him again?

 

 

 

*******************************

 

 

 

Opening the front door, Luke carried their cases into the lounge.  Kerry trailed behind him, still wearing her sunglasses, desperately trying to shield her eyes from the light.  Carefully she sat down on the sofa looking up at Luke curiously.

 

“What are we going to do, Luke?”

 

“What do you want to do, Kerry?  This has got to be your decision... after all, I’m the one who mucked everything up.  I’ll go along with whatever you want.”  Luke stared down at Kerry, who was cautiously rubbing her sore head.  “Do you want me to move out?  I will if it makes things easier for you.”

 

Kerry looked up and stared bemused at him.  “I honestly don’t know what to do for the best, Luke.”

 

“Do you want some aspirin?  It might help,”  Luke asked sympathetically.

 

Kerry briefly nodded and closed her eyes, wincing with pain at her unguarded movement, while Luke went off into the bathroom.  Moments later, sensing his presence, Kerry reopened her eyes and gratefully took the tablets and glass of cold water from him.  Forcing herself to ignore the nausea caused by swallowing the bitter tasting tablets, she handed the glass back to him, leaned back and closed her eyes.

 

“Kerry?”

 

Kerry groaned as she forced herself to look at Luke.

 

“Why don’t you go to bed?  I’ll sleep here on the sofa tonight, and tomorrow when you’re feeling a bit better, we’ll talk.”

 

Forcing herself to get to her feet, Kerry moved slowly towards the bathroom.  A few minutes later, Luke heard her shut the bedroom door.  Taking some spare bedclothes out of the airing cupboard, Luke quickly made a bed up for himself on the sofa.  After visiting the bathroom, he turned off the light, slid under the covers, and tried to get some sleep.  Considering the fact that they'd just had a long flight, and he was feeling exhausted, it was a long time before Luke fell asleep that night.

 

 

 

***************************

 

 

 

By the time Kerry emerged the next morning, Luke had already been awake and dressed for quite a while.  Her raging hang-over of the previous evening had now subsided into a mild headache.  After taking some more aspirin while she was in the bathroom, Kerry then had a quick, refreshing shower.  Walking out into the lounge, Kerry dispassionately viewed her husband, who was sitting quietly reading a book.  He had already neatly folded up his bedding, putting it on one of the dining chairs.  Luke looked up and smiled tentatively at her.

 

“Do you want some breakfast, Kerry?”

 

“No, I can’t face any food yet; maybe later.”  Sitting down in the armchair beside Luke, who was on the sofa, Kerry gazed at him.  “What are we going to do?”

 

“Like I told you last night, Kerry, this has got to be your decision.”

 

“What are we going to tell people, Luke?”

 

Luke leaned back and stared earnestly at her.  “I honestly don’t know.  All I do know, is that I never wanted any of this to happen.  I just wished I’d had the courage to put a stop to all the arrangements before it was too late.“

 

“When did you realise you’d made a mistake?”

 

Grateful that Kerry finally seemed willing to discuss their problems, Luke smiled gently at her.

 

“I wasn’t lying you know: I really do care for you... but, too late, I realised that what I felt wasn‘t enough.  I began to have serious doubts in the last few weeks before the wedding.  I tried to persuade you to postpone it after Cass died, but you said it was the only thing keeping you going, so I squashed down all those niggling little worries that I kept having, telling myself that they must be last minute nerves.”  Noticing that Kerry was silently crying, tears pouring down her cheeks, Luke reached out and held one of her hands.  “Kerry, I’m so sorry!  I discovered what I really felt on our wedding day, and I was too scared to back out -- if only I had, you wouldn’t be feeling this pain now!”

 

Sniffing back her tears, Kerry glared at Luke as she pulled her hand away.  “No, you’re damn right!  I might have been humiliated, but it wouldn’t have been as bad as this.  You should have told me, Luke!”

 

“I know I should.”

 

Wiping her eyes with her hanky, Kerry looked at him.  “You realise that we can’t even get divorced for a year, don’t you, Luke?”

 

“You’ve got plenty of grounds for an annulment... after all, I never touched you.”

 

Kerry snorted as she stared at him.  “Thanks very much, that’ll look good, won’t it?  The fact that I wasn’t even attractive enough to make you want to have sex with me!  Why, Luke?  You didn’t have any trouble before.”

 

Guiltily, Luke stared down at the floor, before managing to force himself to look at her again.  “I didn’t think it was fair on you, that’s all.”

 

“That’s complete and utter bollocks, and you know it, Luke!”  Kerry stared angrily at him.  “You couldn’t even manage to get an erection when you came near me!  Why?  What’s wrong with me?  Am I so undesirable?  And Luke... I want the truth this time!”

 

Burying his head in his hands, Luke briefly considered what he should say next.  Kerry obviously suspected something was seriously wrong, but, Luke wondered, did he have the courage to tell her the whole truth?  He certainly owed it to her.  Luckily by now, Craig should have left, so he wouldn’t be in line to receive any of the fall out; and if worse came to worse, Luke knew he could always put in for a transfer.  Luke took a deep breath and looked steadily into Kerry’s eyes.

 

“Because, too late, I discovered that I’m gay, Kerry.”

 

“WHAT?”

 

“For ages I’ve been pretending to myself that it couldn’t be true, desperately hoping that it wasn’t.”  Horrified, Kerry stared at Luke, watching him with shock, as he used his fingers to wipe the tears off his cheeks.  “On my stag night... I slept with a man.”  Hearing her anguished cry, Luke reached out in a vain attempt to comfort her.  “Oh, Kerry, I really, really am sorry.”

 

Closing her eyes as though trying to shut out the pain she was feeling, Kerry leaned back in her chair.  When an appalling thought sprang into her mind, she stared frantically at him.

 

“It was Craig, wasn’t it?”

 

Nervously swallowing, Luke could only stare speechlessly at her with tormented eyes, before finally managing to nod.

 

“YOU LOUSY, STINKING, ROTTEN BASTARDS!”  Kerry broke down again.  “And to think that I really trusted the pair of you despite what Carl said to me that time.”  Sobbing angrily, Kerry glared furiously at Luke.  “I asked you then if you were gay and you denied it.  How could you, Luke?”

 

“Kerry, I...“

 

“And Craig... I really thought he was my friend.”  As she gazed over at Luke with her pain-wracked eyes, at this moment in time, Kerry was succeeding in making Luke feel like the biggest louse ever created.  “How could he do it?  Tell me Luke, did you get together to plan how you both could completely ruin my life?”

 

“No, Kerry... honestly it wasn’t like that.”  Luke stared desperately at Kerry, wondering if it was possible to make her understand.  “Don’t blame Craig, it wasn’t his fault.”

 

“DON‘T BLAME CRAIG!”  Kerry shrieked at him.  “How can I not blame Craig?  After all, he’s the one who seduced my fiancé on his stag night!”

 

“Kerry, it wasn’t him... it was me.”

 

Shocked by this statement, Kerry stared with disbelief at Luke.  However, after carefully studying the strained expression on his face, Kerry was able to read the truth in his red-rimmed eyes.

 

“It’s really true, isn’t it?  You seduced Craig.”

 

“Yes I did.  I’m sorry, Kerry, I’m really sorry.”

 

“But why, why did you do it?”

 

Unable to face her accusing expression, Luke buried his head in his hands, while frantically searching for the right words... needing to make her understand, but trying not to hurt her feelings too much.  At the same time, he knew that he had to make sure that he totally exonerated Craig.  There was no point in putting the final piece of the puzzle off any longer; Luke realised that he owed Kerry the whole truth.  Raising his head, Luke looked guiltily at Kerry who was impatiently waiting for him to speak.

 

“Because I’d wanted him... no that’s not completely true.  Because... I’m in love with Craig, and have been for a long time.”

 

“Luke...“  Almost speechless with fury and pain, Kerry stared at Luke with stricken eyes.

 

“Kerry, I honestly didn’t mean for any of this to happen.  For a long time I didn’t even realise that I had feelings for Craig.  I didn’t have the remotest idea that I might be gay -- I’d never fancied a man before!  So I just kept trying to ignore what was happening, hoping that it would all go away.”

 

“But in that case, why did you have to marry me and ruin my life, Luke?”

 

Luke gazed pleadingly over at her.  “Because I didn’t want to be gay!  I wanted to be normal -- have a wife and children.  I really care for you, Kerry... I honestly thought I could make it work!”

 

Curiously, Kerry looked at him.  “So what changed?”

 

“I had too much to drink on my stag night, Kerry.  Craig was the only one sober enough to take me back to the hotel.”  When Luke saw the sneer appearing on her face, he quickly continued, “But I was the one who made the first move, Kerry.  I was so fed up with the pretence: Craig was there and I’d wanted him for ages, even before the time I’d kissed him in his office.”

 

“What?”

 

“It was before you and I started going out properly.”  Luke nervously twisted his hands together.  “Craig and I were talking in his office one day, and I just walked up to him and kissed him.  Kerry... if one of us used the other, then I’m the guilty party.  Even though I knew Craig cared for me, I made his life a living hell!  I was too much of a coward to be honest with either one of you... so I kept blowing hot and cold with him.”

 

“Oh, Luke, how could you?”

 

Eagerly, Luke stared at her.  “Please tell me that you forgive Craig, Kerry?  You know he would never consciously hurt you; he’s always been fond of you.  He used to get really mad with me, warning me that I would hurt you, and he was right, wasn’t he?”

 

Solemnly, Kerry nodded.  “Yes, I can forgive Craig, but not you.  You‘ve totally humiliated me.”

 

“I don’t expect you to, Kerry.  But this leads us back to where we started... what are we going to do next?”

 

Leaning back in her chair, Kerry briefly closed her eyes while pondering over their problem.  Finally opening her eyes, she looked at Luke, who was still anxiously awaiting her decision.

 

“Luke... what’s it like to be in love?  I mean really, completely, in love?”

 

Flabbergasted, Luke could only stare at Kerry with disbelief when he heard this question.  Whatever he'd been expecting her to say, it certainly hadn’t been this!

 

“What?”

 

“You heard!”  Kerry gazed earnestly into his eyes.  “Luke, I want you to tell me the truth.  You told me that you were in love with Craig... so what does it feel like?”

 

“Like hell.”  Sniffing, while he tried to hold back the tears which were threatening to fall from his gritty eyes, Luke could only stare helplessly at her.

 

“But why?  You said he cared for you... so why is it so bad?”

 

Taking a deep breath, Luke slowly managed to bring himself under control.  It was obvious that Kerry was trying to understand, and he certainly owed her that much.

 

“On our wedding morning, after he and I’d spent the night together, Craig told me that he loved me.  But...”  Luke paused as he recalled the painful memories.  “I left him to marry you, Kerry.  When I last saw him...”  Burying his head in his hands, Luke was now speaking so quietly, that Kerry was having to strain to hear him.  “He told me he was going to get a transfer.  I’m never going to see him again.”  Beginning to laugh hysterically, Luke continued, “It wouldn’t matter anyway... I saw the way he looked at me when he left.  Craig doesn’t love me anymore... he hates me now!”  Finally looking up, Luke gazed at Kerry with tortured eyes.  “It serves me right, though, doesn’t it?  So why don’t you laugh at me... go on, laugh... after all, I deserve it!”

 

Finally breaking down, Luke began to sob hysterically.  For a few tense moments, Kerry just stared at his bowed head.  She was surprised to discover, however, that despite everything which had happened, she could still actually feel sorry for him.  Standing up, she moved over to the sofa, sat down beside Luke, and put her arms around him, letting him cry against her shoulder.  Gently she soothed him, until he finally managed to calm down.  Surprised by her actions, Luke looked curiously at her, before gratefully accepting the hanky she gave him.

 

“Why are you being so understanding, Kerry?  I don’t deserve it.”

 

“Maybe not... but I think some of the blame is mine.”

 

Stunned, Luke could only look at her with disbelief in his eyes.  “No way!  Kerry, I’m the one who messed up, not you.  I’ve wrecked your life!”

 

Smiling ruefully, Kerry looked at him.  “Have you, Luke?”

 

“Huh?”

 

Leaning back beside him on the sofa, Kerry briefly hesitated, as though wondering how to phrase what she wanted to say next.

 

“Aren’t you curious why I asked you what it was like to be in love, Luke?”

 

“I suppose so.”  Luke stared bewildered at her.

 

“The answer is quite simple really.  It’s because I’ve never felt like that.”  Noticing that Luke was about to speak, Kerry quickly carried on.  “When we were coming home on the plane, I really had time to think about what happened on our honeymoon.  It didn’t take me long to realise what I was feeling more than anything else was anger and humiliation.  That really shocked me, because I honestly thought I was in love with you, but now I’ve had time to think, I know that I’m not particularly hurt.“  Kerry smiled wryly.  “I’m very fond of you, Luke... by the sound of it, in much the same way as you’re fond of me... but, I honestly can’t say that I’ve ever truly loved you, or anyone else, like you do Craig.”

 

Speechless, Luke could only stare into her limpid blue eyes, which revealed to him that she was telling him the complete truth.

 

“All my life, Luke, I’ve dreamed of having a perfect life with a husband and children.”  Kerry gently patted Luke’s hand.  “Not so very different from your own dream, was it?”  Luke nodded.  “Obviously for you it was because of your father and the way he treated all of you.”  Once again Luke nodded, smiling wryly.  “Well for me, it was because of my mum dying when I was so young.  Oh, Luke, I’ve always wanted what I’ve never had: but my trouble is that I haven’t been willing to wait for the right man to come along.”

 

Luke smiled sympathetically at her.  “I’m sorry, Kerry.”

 

“Well, it was obvious that Martin wasn’t the right man for me, but I really did think you were.  I felt more for you than I ever have for anyone else.  Somehow you kept me on the straight and narrow; I was never tempted to be unfaithful while I was with you... well, not until the honeymoon anyway.”  Kerry blushed slightly.  “As you know, I wasn’t faithful to Martin.”

 

“Yes, I know... I really wish we could have been right together, Kerry.”

 

“It’s not completely your fault, Luke.”  Kerry stared sternly at him.  “Mind you, that’s not to say that I forgive you.  You might not have emotionally destroyed me, but I’m still furious!  What you’ve done to me has been totally humiliating.  Unless...”

 

“Unless, what?”

 

“We carry on pretending that everything is normal.”

 

“What?”

 

Gripping Luke’s hand, Kerry stared into his eyes, as though to emphasise what she was trying to say.

 

“Think about it, Luke.  You don’t want everyone to know you’re gay, do you?”  Luke shook his head.  “And I don’t want them to know that I’ve failed miserably in yet another relationship!  Think of Robbie and all the others gossiping... neither one of us would ever hear the end of it!  Anyway, you said you’d go along with whatever I decided.”

 

Hesitant, Luke gazed doubtfully at her.  “Are you really sure that this is such a good idea?”

 

Shaking her head impatiently at such trivial doubts, Kerry continued, “Yes.  But, it’s not only that... Luke, I really need you to save me from myself.”

 

“Pardon?”

 

Kerry stared earnestly at Luke while she tried to make him understand what she meant.  “It’s OK, I’m not being melodramatic!  If you’ll listen, I’ll try and explain why.”

 

“I’m all ears, babe.”

 

“It’s quite simple really.  When I was with Martin, and during one or two fairly serious relationships even before him, it wasn’t long before I discovered that I wasn‘t capable of being faithful.  You remember what happened with Nick, don’t you?”

 

“Yes, Martin really thought he could make me finish with you, when he told me what you’d done to him.”

 

“Well, maybe that should have shown us the truth back then, because it didn’t bother you that I’d slept with one of your mates, did it?”  Kerry looked quizzically at Luke when he nodded.  “Luke, what if it had been Craig?”  Correctly interpreting the dark look that instantly appeared on his face, she smiled.  “Thought so.”

 

“Am I really that easy to read?”

 

“Yes.  Anyway, while we were together, up until our honeymoon that is, I was never unfaithful to you.  Somehow, Luke, you seem to have the ability to keep my feet firmly planted on the ground.”  Kerry took hold of Luke’s hand and stared pleadingly into his eyes.  “Luke, I don’t like what I became during the last couple of weeks.  I completely lost control of myself, and I’m afraid that if you’re not around to keep me under control, that I’m going to become a real slapper.”

 

“If that’s what you really want, Kerry, then I promise I’ll do my best.  When we got married, I promised to look after you, and to the best of my ability... I’m going to do just that.”  Luke gazed steadily into her eyes.  “OK, so this won’t be a marriage in the true sense, but in every other way... you were always my best friend, Kerry, and I see no reason to change that.”

 

Flinging her arms around him, Kerry hugged Luke.  “Thank you, Luke, thank you.  I promise you won’t be sorry.”  Pulling back slightly, she looked at him quizzically.  “What happens if Craig’s still there?”

 

“He won’t be. He said he was going to transfer.”

 

Hesitantly, Kerry studied Luke’s face.  “What if one of us wants to spend some time with someone else?  I’m still scared that I might go wild again.”

 

“OK, Kerry, we’ll make a promise to each other.  If either one of us is attracted to anyone else... let’s use each other as a sounding board, before deciding what to do.  At least that way, we’ll have a chance to know if what either one of us is feeling means anything, or it’s just a mad impulse.  Hopefully, it will also stop us doing anything too rash!”

 

Kerry smiled holding her hand out.  “Agreed.  Just one other thing, Luke... no more secrets!  From now on, we tell each other everything, just like best friends should.”

 

Gripping her hand in return, Luke grinned before shaking it.  “Agreed... no more secrets.”

 

 

 

********************************

 

 

 

The following morning, Luke and Kerry were standing in the front office with Robbie and Des, looking through their honeymoon photographs.  Luckily, they'd actually managed to take some photos during the first few days of their honeymoon, before going their separate ways.  So far the newly-weds had managed to put on a reasonably good act of being deliriously happy... well, it didn’t seem like anyone had noticed anything out of the ordinary.

 

Suddenly, the phone rang on the desk and Robbie answered it.  After listening carefully for a few moments, she spoke to the person on the other end of the line.  “OK, I’ll get Sergeant Gilmore to call you.”  She then replaced the receiver.

 

Feeling a cold shiver running down his spine, Luke stared frantically into Kerry’s eyes.  When he finally managed to speak, he felt as though his voice was coming from a vast distance.

 

“Did you say Gilmore?  I thought he’d transferred.”

 

Puzzled by this remark, Robbie stared at him as though he was mad.  “I don’t think so.”

 

Quickly trying to recover, Luke smiled nervously at her.  “I must have got it wrong... sorry.”

 

As soon as they possibly could, Luke and Kerry excused themselves.  Deciding that they needed to discuss what had just happened, they darted into the nearest office.  Anyone passing by and seeing them inside would probably only think that the newlyweds wanted some private time.

 

“Kerry, what am I going to do?  Craig’s still here!”

 

Looking into her husband’s desperate eyes, Kerry smiled bravely.  “Well... the obvious thing to do, is to find out if Craig still wants you.”

 

“Kerry.  I...“

 

Gripping both his hands, Kerry stared into his eyes.  “I’m not saying that I forgive you, Luke Ashton.  But if you’ve got a chance to be happy, then I want you to take it.”  Trying to smile through her tears, she continued, “Just be there for me sometimes, OK?”

 

“Oh, Kerry... I wish it could have been different.  You deserve so much better than me.”  Pulling her into a bear hug, Luke whispered into her ear, “But I promise, I’ll always be there for you.”

 

“Go on then, Luke.  Find out if you’ve still got a future with him.”  As Luke turned to leave the room, he heard her final whispered comment.  “And, Luke... good luck!”

 

 

 

*******************************

 

 

 

Craig was sitting in his office, his head in his hands.  He’d been dreading this day for so long.  He’d done his best to get a transfer, but Gina had been implacably hostile about the whole matter, telling him that he had to live with the 'consequences' of his actions.  That was just the trouble: he had been... every single day and night since Luke had got married.

 

His life, which had been difficult enough before the wedding, had now taken on nightmarish proportions.  He was having trouble sleeping properly; half the time he didn’t bother to eat; and now he was drinking too much, just in a vain attempt to knock himself out each night.  What was even worse, was that his concentration at work was suffering, especially as each day passed, bringing him one day closer to when he had to face Luke again.  His old easy-going relationship with Gina had vanished: Craig had drawn up the barriers.  By the time Gina had calmed down, and was willing to be friendly again, it was much too late: she discovered that Craig didn’t trust her anymore.

 

Previously, he'd considered Gina to be a true friend, someone who understood him.  But, what she'd done, with her interference on the wedding day and since, smacked of homophobia to Craig.  He was sure that if Gina had discovered Luke with a woman on that particular morning, then she would have told Kerry the truth.

 

It was, however, all academic now.  The happy couple were due back today, and once again he was going to have to watch the lovebirds billing and cooing all over the station.  This time, however, it would be much worse, because, even though Craig had shared that perfect night with Luke, he'd been rejected the next morning in favour of Kerry.

 

Craig still couldn’t understand how Luke could have left him.  What they'd shared during the stag night hadn’t just been sex... it had been so tender and loving.  Surely Craig couldn’t have been wrong about that?  Luke had been a totally willing partner, passionate and caring.  He might still have been a virgin, but he'd been so eager.

 

Almost groaning from the mental anguish he was suffering, Craig knew that he had to pull himself together.  There was no way that he was ever going to allow Luke Ashton to hurt him again!  In the past, Craig had done everything in his power to make Luke’s life easy at Sun Hill, but that had to stop.  From now on, Craig knew, that for his own peace of mind, he had to treat Luke just the same as all the other coppers on his relief.  Maybe then, one day, he might even come to realise that he was cured.  Craig cynically smiled... yeah, and pigs might fly!

 

 

 

*******************************

 

 

 

Nervous, but encouraged by Kerry’s good wishes, Luke walked down the corridor towards the custody area.  Just then, he saw Craig emerging from the office and glance over at him.

 

“Luke, enjoy your break?”

 

Appalled by the cold and empty expression in Craig’s eyes when he looked at him, Luke’s bravado immediately drove him into his normal ’attack mode’.

 

“What are you still doing here?  I thought you were transferring.”

 

Looking with hauteur at the younger man, and hurt by his tone of voice, Craig immediately redoubled his efforts to appear unmoved.

 

“Well, I changed my mind.  I decided there was no need.”

 

Devastated by this response, because it confirmed to Luke that Craig now hated him, Luke’s voice became even more strident.

 

“No need?  After what happened?”

 

Standing behind the high desk, Craig was glad of the support it afforded him, while he coldly replied, “What happened, Luke, was... you got married.”

 

Stunned by this response, Luke continued to dig his own grave.

 

“You know what I mean.”

 

Sternly, Craig looked emotionlessly over at Luke.

 

“Yeah, well now you’re settled down, that’s history, isn’t it?  We all make mistakes, and then we learn to live with them.”  Cynically, Craig smiled.  “So put it behind you... like I have.”

 

Wide-eyed, for a moment Luke could only stare with shock at Craig.

 

“You’re unbelievable!”

 

Desperately pulling himself together as he gazed at the young man he still loved, Craig prepared to put the final nail in the coffin.

 

“On the contrary.  You should believe every word.  From now on this is a professional relationship, and that’s all it is.”  Looking at Luke dismissively, Craig continued, “I hope you can handle that.”

 

Appalled by what had just happened, Luke somehow managed to return back the way he'd just come, but in a completely different frame of mind.  Before, he still had some hope that they might have been able to work something out.  Now, he knew he really had lost Craig for good, and what was even worse, was going to have to face him each day at work.

 

Behind him, still standing at the desk, Craig was desperately trying to keep his composure, while he felt his heart breaking into tiny pieces.

 

 

 

********************************

 

 

 

Standing, chatting quietly to one of her friends, Kerry immediately noticed Luke walking towards her.  She also saw the look on his face.  Quickly excusing herself, she rushed over to her husband, masking his face with her own.  Anyone passing by would have indulgently smiled at them, thinking that the happy couple couldn’t keep their hands off each other.  In actual fact, the reality was totally different.

 

Kerry carefully steered Luke outside into the Station yard, pulling him behind some of the cars so that his back was towards anyone approaching.  Staring at the stricken expression on his face, Kerry felt that she should have been pleased that he'd obviously got his ‘come-uppance’, but somehow she couldn’t feel it.  Whatever he'd done to her, and however much he might deserve what was now happening to him, Kerry discovered that she couldn’t feel vindictive: he was still her friend.  They’d been close for so long, been through too much together for her to lose that.

 

“What happened, Luke?”

 

For a few seconds, Luke continued to stare down at the ground.  When he finally looked up at her, Kerry caught her breath with shock.  Luke’s brown eyes were dull and bleak; their usual sparkle seemed to have completely vanished.  When he finally managed to speak to her, Luke’s voice appeared to be almost lacking in emotion.

 

“He hates me, Kerry.  Craig hates me.”

 

Aghast, Kerry could only stare at Luke.  As she noticed the tears appearing in his eyes, she gently put her arms around him and held him against her body, trying, despite her own pain, to give him some comfort.

 

Neither of them noticed a tall figure standing just inside the door, staring with an agonised expression in his deep, brown eyes at what he thought was a happily married couple.  Slowly, he turned round and walked wearily back into the custody area.

 

 

 

**************************

 

 

 

Over the next few days, both men did their best to completely avoid each other.  It wasn’t always easy, especially being on the same relief, and when rostered to be on duty at the same time.  Kerry did her best to help Luke through the days at work, but most nights she heard him crying in the lounge long into the night.  Poor Craig, however, had no one to help him, and it seemed that these days, everywhere he went in the station, the Ashtons were already there, quietly talking together: if anything, seeming even closer than they had before their wedding.

 

Of course, in one way Craig was right.  They were closer: surprisingly enough, their friendship had deepened, despite all the pain Luke had caused Kerry.  Now, for the first time, they were really able to talk... in a way they couldn’t before.  They had no more secrets from each other, and were finally able to relax together.

 

Luke was desperately trying to come to terms with the fact that, he believed, Craig despised him.  He felt this was completely justified, but it didn’t stop him wanting to be with Craig.  Surreptitiously, he would watch Craig with longing in his eyes, quickly disguising it with his usual bravado if Craig looked back at him with that stern, cold expression.  Gone were the days when he felt that Craig was watching out for him.  These days, Craig was completely businesslike on the odd occasions when they were forced to speak to each other, and Luke knew how desperately he missed the old Craig.  Not just the lover, but also the man who had tried so hard to befriend him, only to have it thrown back in his face time after time.

 

Kerry, on the other hand, quickly discovered that she'd no problems with Craig whatsoever.  Any anger she'd felt at the role he might have played in the wreckage of her life, had quickly dissipated once she saw him again.  At first, Craig had been a bit standoffish with her, but within a day or two they quickly slipped back into their old friendship.  Sometimes though, when she carefully watched him, Kerry wasn’t sure that Luke was right about Craig’s feelings.  She sensed, despite the anger in him whenever he looked at Luke, there was also pain in his eyes. However, whatever she thought Craig might still feel for Luke, there was no way she was going to get Luke’s hopes up with such little evidence.

 

Anyway, Kerry was beginning to think that she might have problems of her own, without worrying about two grown men: one of whom at least didn’t really deserve her help.  Trying desperately to take her mind off things, she buried herself in work.

 

 

 

***********************************

 

 

 

Out on patrol a few days later, Luke and Kerry were called to what appeared to be a domestic.  There were, however, three people involved.  It wasn’t the usual configuration of husband, wife, and her lover though.  This time it was wife, husband, and gay male friend.  While Kerry was outside with the married couple, reading them the ’riot act’ and trying to persuade the wife to press charges, Luke was inside with their friend, called Joe, who had been given a bloody nose.

 

Joe Kincaid was quick to inform Luke that the husband was, in fact, gay.  He stated that the couple’s problems arose because neither one of them could really face up to this fact, hence the constant arguments.  Luke quickly realised that Joe was attracted to him, and just for a moment, felt quite flattered by his attentions.  When Kerry called him, however, Luke quickly exited the house.

 

Once back in the car, Luke informed CAD that they were available to take other calls.  Luke then turned to Kerry and told her what Joe had told him about the couple.  Kerry grimaced at him.

 

“You realise, Luke, that if you hadn’t finally found the guts to tell me the truth, that could have been us in a year or two.”

 

“Yeah, I know.”

 

“You were a long time talking to that Joe, weren’t you?”

 

Luke grinned at her.  “I think he was chatting me up, Kerry.  Trouble is, I don’t have the experience to know for sure.”

 

Raising her eyebrows, Kerry stared at him in surprise, before asking curiously, “Were you tempted, Luke?”

 

Carefully considering his answer, Luke mused briefly.  “Maybe... for a moment.  I was flattered more than anything else, but didn’t really want to do anything about it.”  Sombrely, Luke stared at Kerry.  “I just kept wishing it was Craig.”

 

“Oh, Luke.”

 

Without saying anything else on the subject, they continued with their patrol.

 

 

 

******************************

 

 

 

Later that day, Luke had just finished changing after shift, when he was informed that someone wanted to see him.  Going to the front office, Luke asked about the person, and was directed outside the station.  Exiting the main door, Luke looked round, then noticed the man he thought had been flirting with him earlier.

 

Politely, Luke smiled at Joe.  “How’s the nose?”

 

Smiling broadly in return, Joe moved a bit closer.  “Oh, it’s fine.  I came to apologise.”

 

Puzzled, Luke gave him a cautious glance.  “What for?”

 

“Barking at the wrong person.”

 

Shrugging his shoulders, Luke briefly smiled.  “That doesn’t matter.”

 

Hearing this, Joe’s grin became even wider.  “You’re not in uniform anymore.  Have you finished?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Would you like to have a drink?”

 

Shaking his head, Luke backed away slightly.  “I can’t.”

 

Narrowing the gap between them, Joe came on a little stronger.  “Another time, maybe?”

 

Luke held up his left hand to reveal his wedding ring, thanking God for Kerry.  “Married.”

 

“I know.”

 

Swallowing nervously, Luke again shook his head and began to back away towards the main station door, closely followed by Joe, who was still trying to chat him up.  “Luke... Luke.  Wait a minute.  Have you ever been to the Sugar Bar in Tatton Street?  It’s good.  I’ll be there after about tenish if you want to give it a try.”  Beginning to feel rather claustrophobic, Luke felt Joe thrust a piece of paper in his hand.  “If you don’t... give me a call; you’ve got my number now.”

 

Feeling rather freaked out by this meeting, Luke dashed back into the station and breathed a sigh of relief.  Chucking the paper distastefully away in the bin just inside the front door, Luke was then buzzed back into the station.  Smiling wryly to himself, Luke couldn’t help feeling that the entire scene had been bizarre.  He almost felt like he’d been stalked... and to think that he’d once accused Craig of doing that a few months ago -- well, he certainly knew the difference now!

 

Wandering off to where he’d previously agreed to meet Kerry, Luke rounded the corner without looking, and nearly bumped straight into Craig.  Catching his breath in shock, for a brief moment Luke gazed hungrily up into the other man’s eyes, to be greeted with a look of utter contempt.  Craig looked away, and then moved on towards his office, leaving Luke leaning breathlessly against the wall.

 

Heartbroken, Luke could only stare after him.  Galvanised into sudden action, Luke impulsively headed back the way he’d come.  Maybe Craig didn’t want him, but he knew someone else who did!  Charging back through the door into the front office, Luke quickly picked up the paper he previously discarded and put it safely in his wallet.

 

 

 

*************************

 

 

 

That evening, while they were eating dinner in their flat, Kerry stared bemusedly at her husband.  No matter how upset Luke was, it took a lot for him to lose his appetite; but tonight he was just playing with his food... and to make matters worse, it was lasagne -- his favourite.  “What’s wrong, Luke?”

 

Lifting his head, Luke tried to muster up a half-hearted smile for his wife.  “I’m sorry, Kerry, it’s not the food, it’s me.  I seem to have lost my appetite.”

 

Surprised to hear this, Kerry simply looked at him.  “There must be a reason.”

 

Nodding, Luke nervously glanced at her, then looked away.  “It’s no more than I deserve, you know.”

 

Exasperated, Kerry glared at him.  “I thought we’d managed to work through all that!”  Reaching out with her hand, Kerry gently patted Luke‘s.  “You’ve got to stop beating yourself up about everything that’s happened.”  Looking at the woebegone expression facing her, Kerry had a sudden glimmer about what might be wrong.  “Has Craig been horrible to you again?”

 

“Only if you count being glared at; he doesn’t speak to me unless he has to.”

 

“Oh, Luke, don’t you think that might be because it’s the only way he can deal with the situation?”  Sighing, Kerry looked pensive.  “Sometimes I’ve wondered if Craig’s as indifferent as he makes out.”

 

Perking up at hearing this, Luke gazed solemnly over at her.  “Do you really mean that, Kerry?”

 

“I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t mean it.”  Taking hold of Luke’s hand firmly, she continued, “That doesn’t mean you should get your hopes up, you know.  Craig’s very proud, and you obviously hurt him a lot.  I don’t think he’ll forgive you very easily.”

 

Ruefully nodding in agreement, but for the first time with a small chink of hope in his heart, Luke began tackling his meal with more enjoyment.  When they’d finally finished eating, Kerry stood up and carried the plates into the kitchen, leaving Luke to tidy up what was left on the table.  Shortly afterwards, while they were standing together doing the dishes, Luke suddenly remembered his encounter with Joe.

 

“Hey, Kerry, do you remember that bloke who was mixed up with the domestic today?”

 

Kerry continued washing the dishes while she thought about the cases they’d dealt with that day.  “Do you mean the gay one?”

 

“Yeah, that’s the one.”  Grinning from ear to ear, Luke started drying another plate.

 

“What about him?”

 

“He came to the station to see me after work.”

 

“He did what?”  Surprised, Kerry turned to look at Luke.  “Why?”

 

Smirking, Luke gave her an impish grin.  “He wanted to take me out for a drink.”

 

Curiously, Kerry enquired, “Did you tell him you were married?”

 

“Too right I did.”  Luke leant against one of the kitchen units and held his left hand up.  “I even showed him my wedding ring.”

 

“So...“

 

“He told me he already knew and gave me his mobile number.  He even told me where he’d be tonight if I was interested.”

 

Silkily, Kerry gazed at him.  “And were you?”

 

His smile suddenly vanishing, Luke just stared at her.  “No. It was flattering for a moment, but I soon began to feel like I was being stalked.”

 

“Oh, Luke.”  Concerned, Kerry dried her hands, then walked over to her husband, wrapping her arms around him and holding him against her, while she gently soothed him.  “Obviously Craig never made you feel like that.”

 

Smiling at her in gratitude, Luke kissed Kerry on the cheek before continuing to dry the dishes.  “Not in the same way.  Yes, sometimes I felt scared, but at the same time it was exhilarating.”  Luke smiled ruefully.  “Do you know, I once accused Craig of stalking me?”

 

Shocked, Kerry was rendered speechless by this remark.

 

Apologetically, Luke continued, “It was shortly after I kissed him in his office.  I was scared... but of myself, not him.  You know Craig: he could never hurt anyone.”

 

“So why on earth did you accuse him of it?”

 

“Because I needed him to back off and let me think.  Everything was getting on top of me and I couldn’t cope.”  Tearfully, Luke gazed into her sympathetic blue eyes.  “As usual I went over the top.  I’ve always wanted to apologise for the things I said to him... but there’s no chance he’d listen to me these days.”

 

“You could try.”  Even as she said it, Kerry knew there was no chance that Luke would agree.  He simply shook his head and wandered back into the lounge to mindlessly lose himself in the football match on the TV.

 

 

 

*****************************

 

 

 

Colliding with another constable in the locker room, Luke cursed under his breath as he spilt everything all over the floor.  While bending down to pick up his possessions, Luke heard the outer door open, and knew without even looking who had just entered the room.  Flushed, and hoping that it would be put down to the exertion of what he was doing, Luke looked up to see Craig staring down at him.

 

Politely, Craig bent down to help. “Let me give you a hand.“  However, his hand momentarily froze when he picked up the piece of paper which Luke had almost forgotten he still had.  Handing it over to the younger man, Craig civilly enquired, “Luke, is this yours?”

 

Blushing, and hoping Craig didn’t notice, Luke simply held his hand out.  “Yeah, cheers.”

 

Craig didn’t say a word -- he just stared into Luke’s brown eyes, almost as though he could see right into the depths of Luke’s soul.  Flustered, Luke desperately tried to come up with a likely explanation for the name and phone number inscribed on the paper.  “It’s this bloke who said he’d take a look at my car.”

 

Managing somehow to appear unemotional, Craig continued to gaze steadily at Luke, who dropped his eyes to the ground and managed to mutter.  “Thanks.”

 

 

 

*******************************

 

 

 

Keeping his feelings under control until he reached the sanctuary of his office, Craig walked in, shut the door, and gratefully sank down in the chair behind his desk.  Burying his head in his hands, Craig took several deep breaths while he desperately tried to come to terms with what had just happened.

 

It had been obvious that Luke was lying.  The embarrassment on his face had given him away.  Impatiently brushing away a tear, Craig tried to pull himself together.  The last thing he needed right now was for anyone to see him in this state.  Anyway, as far as he was concerned, he’d cried enough tears over that little prick tease!  Wasn’t it enough that he had to watch Luke and Kerry together almost every day?  At least she had the saving grace of being Luke’s wife... and the innocent party.  But who the hell was this Joe?

 

Trying to force himself to remain calm, Craig tried to think logically.  He knew he should be feeling pleased that Luke was gradually beginning to emerge from his closet, but he wasn’t.  And to be honest, why the hell should he be?  If Luke was finally beginning to accept the fact that he was gay, then why, Craig thought bitterly, hadn’t he turned to himself?  Why this Joe character?

 

Staring vacantly into space, Craig searched his memories.  Were they so wrong?  Had he been living in cloud cuckoo land?  He really had thought that what Luke and he’d shared had been something special.  Those kisses in his office had been so wonderful.  In all his years, Craig knew he’d never experienced that depth of feeling before.  And if that had given him the wrong impression, then the stag night had only served to reinforce it a thousand fold.

 

Shaking his head with anguish, Craig knew he was going to have to face up to the fact that he must have been wrong all along.  Luke had never cared for him.  Just because what they’d shared had been special to Craig, it didn’t mean that it had meant the same to Luke.  After all, you couldn’t force love.  It would also be hypocritical not to be pleased that Luke was finally coming to terms with his true nature, but he just hoped that in the process Luke didn’t hurt Kerry too much.  Poor girl: she deserved so much more than to have her world destroyed by Luke Ashton.

 

If he was being completely honest with himself, Craig knew that for his own sake he should be feeling relieved that he was now out of the firing line of the obvious future disintegration of the Ashtons‘ marriage. So, in that case, why did he feel so bloody lousy?

 

 

 

*************************

 

 

 

Another disturbed night, tossing and turning in his bed, had left Craig with a residual headache: as a result of which he was not in the right frame of mind to stand any nonsense from anybody stupid enough to come too close to him.  Noticing that he was grumpier than usual, most of the relief were carefully avoiding him.  For the present, being stuck in custody perfectly suited his mood, as he didn’t feel the need to be nice to the clientele now resident in the cells.

 

Craig sighed; he was still feeling a bit guilty about a conversation he’d had with the happy couple earlier in the day.  Being determined not to cut Luke any slack these days, Craig had briefed him to go off to St. Hugh’s and guard a father and daughter who’d both been shot.  Unfortunately, hearing that there was a slight danger that the gunman might try again, Kerry had intervened on her husband‘s behalf, worried that Luke might be in danger.  Closing his eyes momentarily, Craig could still remember his sarky comment.  He had stared at them both, then simply remarked that Luke was a 'big boy now’ and told him to get on with it.

 

Luke had marched off as though he didn’t trust himself to speak, and Kerry had just stared soulfully at Craig with those limpid blue eyes of hers, immediately sending him off on a guilt trip, remembering what had happened the night before her wedding.  At least Craig had taken the opportunity to make it up to her during the day, deliberately giving her an easy time.  Being Kerry, she hadn’t borne him a grudge, and before long they’d been happily chatting together.  Mind you, Craig reflected, Kerry was about the only person who had had it easy that day!

 

Now, all that he needed was for Luke to report back in one of his snippy moods, and it would finish the day off nicely!  Well, Craig mused, at least he had a good bottle of malt at home. If drinking too much was the only way to ensure that he’d get a good night’s sleep for once, then that’s what he’d do.

 

 

 

*****************************

 

 

 

Arriving back at the station, Luke was feeling quite disturbed.  It had been an extremely strange day.  That poor child lying in her hospital bed, and her distraught parents.  The father had been luckier than the child -- his wound had been fairly superficial -- but despite his own pain, he’d been determined to remain at his daughter’s bedside.

 

During the day, the man had opened up to Luke, but the anguish in his voice when he’d revealed that the shooting was probably all his fault, because he’d been having an affair with a client’s wife, had to be heard to be believed.  He’d told Luke that he cared for his wife, but he hadn’t been able to prevent his true feelings: even though he knew it was wrong because he was married with a child.  This had hit home, because Luke was only too aware of his own feelings for Craig.

 

Sitting in the car in the station car park, Luke was pondering over his situation.  Could Kerry be right?  Did Craig still have some feelings for him, and if so, was there any hope left for them?  All Luke knew, was that if there was a remote chance, then somehow he had to do something about it.  Getting out of the car, he locked it, then walked up the ramp into the station, knowing that he had to speak to Craig.

 

Heading towards the custody area, Luke spotted Craig sitting at the desk, working on the computer.  Remembering Craig’s foul mood earlier in the day, Luke cautiously approached him.

 

As usual, being able to sense Luke’s presence, Craig looked up and studied him warily.  When Luke didn’t say anything, Craig couldn’t prevent himself from asking, sarcastically, “Survived the gunman?”

 

Trying to keep his nerve, Luke managed to reply, “No one came back.”

 

“Kerry will be relieved.  And... Joe.”  Unable to prevent himself for once from showing his true feelings, Craig raised an eyebrow.  “Have you called him yet?”

 

Relieved beyond words to see this hint of jealousy, Luke was quick to reassure him, “Nothing happened.  He wanted to, but...“

 

Furious with himself for his slip, Craig quickly interrupted, “I don’t want to know whatever lies you’re telling your wife.  It’s your business.”

 

Nervously trying to placate the older man, Luke inadvertently spoke the truth.  “I’m not telling her lies.  Not any more.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah... yeah, really.”  Suddenly realising what he’d just admitted, Luke back-pedalled slightly.  “Listen, if Kerry and I are going to have any kind of future together, then I just need to be honest with her.”

 

Surprised by this admission, Craig carefully studied the earnest expression on Luke’s face.  “What are you going to tell her?”

 

Wanting desperately to tell Craig the truth about his relationship with Kerry, but knowing it wouldn’t be fair to do so without discussing it with her first, Luke floundered as he wondered what he could say next.

 

Impatiently, Craig stared at the confused expression on Luke’s face.  What was going on in that devious, but confused, mind?  Pushing his luck, he asked the younger man outright, “Are you going to tell her that you’re gay?”

 

Knowing from what Kerry had previously told him, that she’d probably be only too happy for Craig to know the truth; Luke gazed into the dark brown eyes gazing into his own. For the first time since his stag night, he glimpsed a hint of warmth.  Basking briefly in that glow, Luke simply nodded.

 

Relieved, Craig stared at the younger man, noting the tentative smile on his face.  “You’re doing the right thing, Luke.”

 

 

 

*************************

 

 

 

Arriving home at the flat, Luke walked in to discover a note from Kerry on the table.  She’d gone out with Gemma and Robbie for a drink, and wouldn’t be back until later.  Disappointed, because he wanted to tell her about Craig‘s change of attitude, but at the same time feeling slightly relieved in case he upset her, Luke put a CD on the hi-fi, then wandered into the kitchen to fix himself something to eat.

 

After a quiet evening listening to music, and watching some sport on the television, Luke realised that despite desperately trying to stay awake, he was feeling too tired to wait up for Kerry to arrive home.  Their discussion would simply have to wait until the morning: luckily they weren’t on the early shift.  Making up his usual bed on the sofa, Luke settled down for the night.  With all the thoughts racing through his mind, it took him quite a while to drift off to sleep.

 

Shortly afterwards, Kerry opened the front door and quietly entered the flat.  Realising that Luke was already asleep, she moved carefully towards the bathroom.  Closing the door behind her, Kerry opened her handbag and removed a small cardboard box.  Ripping off one end, Kerry removed the leaflet inside and carefully read the instructions.  Having finished, Kerry sighed as she solemnly examined her reflection in the bathroom mirror, noticing the tension in her eyes.  Kerry knew that it was no good trying to ignore the problem... she’d already put this off for too long.

 

 

 

*************************

 

 

 

Waking up abruptly the next morning at hearing a strange noise, it took Luke a moment or two to identify it.  Someone was being sick!  Climbing off the sofa, Luke followed the sound to the bathroom, where he saw Kerry retching into the toilet bowl.  For a brief moment he thought she’d had too much to drink the previous evening, then he noticed the discarded packet in the wastepaper bin.

 

Moving forward, Luke took Kerry’s flannel and ran some cold water upon it.  Wringing it out, he leant over and gently pressed it against Kerry’s forehead.  Gratefully, she took it and wiped her face, while at the same time flushing the toilet.  Taking hold of Luke’s proffered hand, Kerry got to her feet, then rinsed her mouth out with water.  Vigorously brushing her teeth, she stared at Luke’s face in the mirror.  Spitting out into the basin, Kerry turned to look at him.

 

“You know, don’t you?”

 

Luke simply gestured towards the bin, then held his arms out.  Wrapping her arms around him, Kerry clung convulsively to her husband for a moment, then eased off the pressure.  Sympathetically, Luke patted her on the back.  “Do you want something to eat or drink, Kerry?”

 

“Just some dry toast and juice for now.  I’ll feel hungrier later on.”

 

Moving into the kitchen, Luke popped some bread into the toaster, then reached into the fridge and poured out orange juice in glasses for them both.  Putting the toast on a plate for Kerry, Luke took her hand and led her to the dining table.  Sitting down, she picked up one slice of toast and slowly began to nibble one end.

 

Sitting down beside her, Luke gazed curiously at her.  “When did you do the test?”

 

“Last night when I came in.”  Kerry took a deep breath and stared into Luke’s kind eyes.  “I’ve been carrying it around in my handbag for a couple of weeks now.”  Kerry smiled wryly.  “It was really only a formality though: I’ve missed a couple of periods, and been sick a few times.”  Noting the puzzled look in Luke’s eyes, Kerry elaborated.  “Luckily, up until today, you’d already left for work.”

 

“Oh, Kerry.  Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

Kerry gave a twisted smile.  “You know it’s not yours, don’t you?”

 

Taking hold of her hand, Luke gripped it reassuringly.  “I’d worked that much out.  You had a period just after the last time we slept together, which was shortly before the wedding... and it’s been weeks since then.”  Quizzically, Luke stared at her.  “Whose is it, Kerry?”

 

Dropping her head in her hands, Kerry let out a despairing wail.  “I don’t know!  I honestly don’t know.”  Frantically, she turned to look at Luke.  “Don’t you see -- I got pregnant on our honeymoon.  Luke!  It could have been anyone!”  Beginning to cry, the expression on Kerry’s face was anguished.  “I can’t even remember how many men there were!”

 

Horrified at hearing this, Luke knelt down beside her chair and took Kerry in his arms.  “Oh, love, this is all my fault!  What have I done to you?”

 

Hiccupping slightly, Kerry looked at him.  “Don’t be daft, Luke: you didn’t rip my knickers off and force me to sleep with them.”

 

Smiling despite himself at this analogy, Luke smoothed her hair back from her brow.  “I might just as well have done.  I should never have married you, Kerry; I’ve destroyed your life.”

 

Kissing Luke lightly on the cheek, Kerry smiled tremulously.  “You know I’ve always wanted children, so maybe this was meant to be.”

 

Standing up, Luke moved to sit in the chair beside her.  As he watched Kerry beginning to once again nibble her toast, a sudden appalling thought crossed Luke’s mind.  “Kerry, what if...?”  Unable to continue with what he’d been going to say, Luke looked away.

 

Touching his arm, Kerry drew his attention back to herself.  “You were going to say that I might have caught something, weren’t you, Luke?”

 

Tears burning in his eyes, Luke could only nod as he looked into Kerry’s strangely calm face.  Reassuringly, it was her turn to pat his hand.  “You don’t need to worry, I’m alright.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“I knew I’d been an idiot on our honeymoon: because I was usually paralytic, I couldn‘t remember if any of the men had used condoms, so the day after we got back I went to the clinic at St. Hugh’s and had all the relevant tests done.”  Smiling at the anxious expression on Luke’s face, Kerry continued, “All the results were negative, Luke.  I’ve got to go back to be retested soon, but they seemed to think that it would just be a formality.”

 

“Thank God for that!”  Crying openly, Luke put an arm round Kerry’s shoulders, then looked earnestly at her.  “I swear to you, Kerry, nobody will ever know that it isn’t my child.  As far as the world is concerned, this will be my baby.”

 

“Luke, you don’t have to do that.”

 

“Yes, I do.”  Luke gently hugged her.  “I’m not leaving you to face the gossip alone, Kerry.  We’re in this together, just like we already discussed.  This might not be a conventional marriage, but you’re still my wife, and I’m going to protect you.”

 

“Thank you, Luke.”  Unable to stop the tears from pouring down her cheeks, Kerry simply smiled in gratitude as best she could.

 

“You stay here and try and get your tummy settled while I go for a shower.”

 

Standing up, Luke smiled down at her before walking into the bathroom.  Locking the door behind him, he turned the shower on, then climbed in.  Unable to control himself any longer, Luke leaned back against the wall and began sobbing as though his heart would break, knowing that it was the end of any hope he might still have had of getting together with Craig.  Even if Craig could forgive him for the past, Luke knew that there was no way that he could desert Kerry now.  It was all his fault that all their lives were in such a mess, and Luke accepted that he owed it to Kerry to be the best father he could be to her child.  It wasn’t the baby’s fault: it deserved to have a loving home... not like the one Luke’s own father had provided for his family.

 

Luke realised that he was going to have to be extremely careful not to let on to Kerry that he’d already spoken to Craig.  Knowing her like he did, Luke had a pretty good idea that Kerry would simply tell him to go for it, and that wouldn’t be fair on her.  With a feeling almost of desperation, Luke realised that the worst thing of all was that once again he was going to have to hurt Craig.

 

 

 

**************************

 

 

 

For the first time in weeks, Craig was driving into work feeling almost light-hearted.  It was amazing what a good night’s sleep, without recourse to alcohol, could do for your morale.  Mind you, he realised, there were no guarantees that Luke had spoken, or would speak, to Kerry, but just the fact that he’d admitted being gay was making Craig feel positively euphoric that morning.

 

Craig’s good mood continued until the briefing, when he finally had a chance to see Luke.  Unfortunately, Luke was looking positively haggard, as though for once he was the one who’d gone without sleep.  Once the meeting was over, Craig discreetly approached Luke.  Noticing the wary expression on Luke’s face, Craig’s previous confidence began to dissipate.

 

“So, how are you today?”

 

Deliberately avoiding looking at Craig, Luke stared at the floor instead.  “Yeah, fine thanks.”

 

Worried by this lacklustre response, Craig pushed for the response he needed.  “You really don’t look it.  How was last night?”

 

Desperately wanting this confrontation to be over, Luke stared over at the wall.  “That’s between me and Kerry.”

 

By now virtually wearing his heart on his sleeve, Craig gazed at the averted face of the other man.  “Come on, Luke, you look awful.  I might be able to help you.”

 

Hating what he had to do; Luke forced himself to glare into Craig’s concerned eyes.  “Yeah, you can actually.  Leave me alone!  Please!”

 

Walking away, Luke felt terrible.  He’d seen the pain in Craig’s eyes, and knew that once again he’d been responsible for putting it there.  What was even worse, however, was that he now knew that Craig did still care for him, but had deliberately destroyed their chance to be together.

 

 

 

****************************

 

 

 

Later on that day, Luke was paired up with Cameron.  Returning to the station to check out some information, they had to pass the Sergeants’ office.  When Luke noticed that Craig was standing in the doorway watching him, Luke felt himself beginning to blush.  With despair, Luke realised that if he couldn’t manage to make an excuse to get out of speaking to Craig, then the latter was going to bring the matter up again, and yet again Luke was going to have to go through the ordeal of hurting him.  Avoiding the older man’s eyes, Luke began desperately talking to Cameron.  There was no escape though: when Luke tried to use the excuse that he was busy, Cameron dropped him in it, by telling Luke that he could manage by himself.

 

Holding the door open, Craig stared earnestly at Luke.  “My office might be better.”  Sighing, Luke entered the room, and Craig shut the door behind them.  Gazing sternly at the young man in front of him, Craig wished for the umpteenth time that he could simply stop loving him.  “So what was that about earlier?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

Desperately trying to maintain his dignity, Craig felt like he was gradually sinking into a deep pit.  “Luke, please, I need to know that you’re alright?”

 

Hearing the anxious tone in Craig’s voice, and desperately wishing that things could be different, Luke forced himself to sound offhanded.  “Yeah, I’m fine.  Can I go?”

 

“No, you can’t.”

 

Forcing himself to glance at Craig for a brief moment, Luke faltered at the anguish in the older man’s eyes.  “Look, there’s nothing to tell.  I didn’t speak to Kerry last night.”

 

Appalled by this remark, Craig could only stare at him.  “And why not?  You have to face up to this, Luke... for Kerry’s sake as much as for yours.”

 

Luke could only speak the truth.  “This is for Kerry’s sake.”

 

Stunned by what he considered to be a blatant untruth, Craig challenged him.  “You’re gay, Luke.  You can’t hide what you are for ever.”

 

Hating himself for what he had to do, Luke lied.  “No, I’m not.”

 

Sneering in disgust when he heard this remark, Craig shook his head with disbelief.  “So, Luke Ashton’s a happily married man, is he?”

 

Sadly, Luke gazed into the tormented eyes staring into his own.  “Yeah.”

 

Unable to accept what he’d just been told, Craig tried again.  “Come on.”

 

Moving closer, Luke stared earnestly into Craig’s eyes.  “See, you don’t understand... ’cos none of this matters anymore.”  For once, revealing his own pain to the man he loved, Luke hammered the final nail into the coffin.  “Kerry’s pregnant.  We’re going to have a baby.”

 

Reeling back with an agonised expression on his face, Craig could only stare helplessly in disbelief at Luke.  For a moment they stood there gazing into each other’s eyes.  Reading the truth of his last statement in the younger man’s eyes, for a brief moment Craig also thought he could see misery and regret.

 

 

 

******************************

 

 

 

Over the next few days, Craig and Luke returned to their former behaviour, both desperately trying to avoid the other.  Craig was now bitterly regretting letting his guard down, and if anything, was becoming even more bad tempered and unapproachable than before with the relief.  One of the few exceptions to this was Kerry, when he called her into his office, and forced himself to congratulate her on her pregnancy.

 

Cautiously, Kerry looked at him.  “Luke told you then?”

 

“Yes.”  Noting the surprised expression on her face, Craig decided to probe a bit more.  “Why?  Wasn’t he meant to?”

 

“It’s just that we decided to keep it between ourselves for a bit longer.”  Kerry smiled sympathetically at Craig.  “We haven’t even told our families yet.”

 

“You’ll have to tell Inspector Gold, Kerry.  You need to be on restricted duties.”

 

“I know.  I’ll do it when she comes in today.”  Kerry grinned, and then spoke without thinking.  “Anyway, if I leave it much longer, she’ll be able to work it out for herself.”

 

Suspicious at this remark, Craig regarded her steadily.  “From what Luke told me, Kerry, I thought your pregnancy was fairly recent?”

 

Blushing, Kerry mentally swore when she realised the mistake she‘d just made.  “No, Craig, this baby was conceived on the honeymoon.”

 

Stunned upon hearing this news, which confirmed yet again that Luke was obviously playing his usual sick mind games with Craig‘s life, Craig contented himself with by simply saying.  “I see.”

 

Horrified by what she’d just done, and realising by the expression on Craig’s face that something was obviously wrong, Kerry gently laid her hand on his arm.  “Craig, I only told Luke the news a couple of days ago.”

 

“But, why on earth...?”

 

Back-pedalling, because she didn’t want to betray her pact with Luke, Kerry continued, “Because I didn’t want him worrying about me.  I know it sounds daft, but I thought if I could get through the risky first weeks, then it would be easier for him.”

 

Still feeling suspicious, but rather mollified by the fact that Luke hadn’t been deliberately cruel, Craig enquired, “Risky?”

 

Relieved at having seemed to allay his suspicions, Kerry smiled.  “There’s always more danger of a miscarriage in the first few weeks, Craig.  I just wanted to ease the burden for Luke.”

 

Finally seeming to accept her explanation, Craig reminded a very relieved Kerry to notify Gina, and politely ushered her from the room.

 

 

 

***************************

 

 

 

The other exception was Gina.  Ever since that morning following the stag night, Craig had been furious with her.  As far as he was concerned, Gina had crossed the line by the way she‘d treated them.  He’d never previously considered Gina to be homophobic, which at the time made her stance all the more difficult to understand.  He’d become even angrier, when, after the wedding, she’d refused his request to transfer, stating that he had to live with his mistakes.  The trouble was, Craig admitted to himself, he missed Gina and her acerbic wit.  In the past, he’d always felt able to talk to her, considering her to be a good friend.

 

Craig sighed heavily. He was fed up living behind the walls he’d erected around himself.  He desperately needed someone to confide in, but, the question was, could he trust Gina again?  It had been obvious over the past few weeks that Gina bitterly regretted the breach in their friendship, and had put out several feelers in an attempt to mend matters.  He’d knocked back each one in turn, but had that been a mistake?

 

Craig acknowledged the fact that he was desperately lonely.  He’d been avoiding most of his friends, not in a mood to watch happy people getting on with their lives.  He’d also not visited his family lately, not wanting them to see him in this state, having to endure his mother’s well-meaning, but probing, questions.

 

Standing up before he could change his mind, Craig walked over to his open door, crossed the corridor, and knocked on the doorframe to Gina’s partially open door.  Leaning against the said frame, he waited patiently to be acknowledged.

 

Looking up, Gina was stunned when she realised who was standing there.  It was the first time in weeks that Craig had approached her unless he had to: not since the occasion when she’d knocked back his request for a transfer.  Ever since then, if possible, he’d either phoned her or left her memos, and only then when he needed an answer to anything pertaining to work.  She’d desperately been trying to get back in his good books, but to no avail.

 

Noticing the strained expression on his face, for once Gina spoke gently, careful not to rock the boat.  “Can I help you, Craig?”

 

For a moment he didn’t respond, then almost cautiously, asked, “I wondered if you had time to talk, Ma’am?”

 

‘Thank God!’ Gina thought to herself, but didn’t allow it to show.  “What... now?”

 

Shaking his head, Craig looked over at her hesitantly.  “No, this evening... if that’s alright?”

 

Beaming with relief, Gina was swift to reply.  “Of course it is.  Do you want to go for a drink and a curry?”

 

Smiling slightly, Craig simply nodded, then returned to get on with his paperwork, leaving behind him a very relieved Gina Gold, who was determined this time to do all within her power to get him whatever he needed -- even a transfer if that’s what would make him happy.

 

 

 

******************************

 

 

 

Sitting down together in a booth of the quiet pub which they’d carefully selected, so that they could talk in peace, Gina stared over at the averted face of her friend. She noted by his body language that Craig still didn’t seem completely at ease in her company.

 

“Craig, I’m sorry.”

 

Stunned to hear Gina Gold apologise for anything, Craig looked up quickly, then wryly smiled at the earnest expression on her face.  “Well... that’s something I never thought I’d ever hear you say, Gina.”

 

Snorting with disgust, Gina bit back, “Make the most of it, sunshine: you might never hear it again.”

 

Laughing despite himself at hearing the welcome tone of his friend’s dry wit, Craig gazed at her.  “More than likely.”  For a few moments Craig was silent again, then decided that he might as well begin to talk about his problems.  “Did Kerry come and see you today?”

 

“Yes, she told me you’d sent her.”  Cautiously, Gina looked at the sad expression on Craig’s face.  “Did she tell you she was pregnant?”

 

“No, Luke told me.”

 

Surprised, Gina stared at him, for once waiting patiently to hear what he needed to say.  “Go on.”

 

“The day after he told me he was gay.”

 

“WHAT?”  Spluttering with shock, Gina could only stare at Craig with an appalled expression on her face.  “How could he be so bloody cruel?”

 

Leaning back in his seat, Craig regarded her seriously.  “That’s what I thought at first, especially when Kerry told me that the baby was conceived on their honeymoon.”

 

“She didn’t tell me she was that far gone.”

 

Sighing, Craig continued, “It seems she didn’t even tell Luke when she discovered she was pregnant.  She says she didn’t want to worry him in the first few weeks -- they’re more risky, or something?”

 

“Well, that’s true.”  Gina still looked puzzled.  “But, Craig, something about this story just doesn’t add up.  It just doesn’t make sense that a newlywed bridegroom wouldn’t have realised that his bride was pregnant.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“Come on, Gilmore, think about it!  Even you can’t be completely ignorant about the internal functions of a woman’s body?”  Watching Craig blush, Gina began to cackle like an old witch.  “If Luke was sleeping with Kerry, he must have noticed that her periods had stopped.  I would have thought that even Luke Ashton was bright enough to work that one out!”

 

“Kerry was most definite that Luke didn’t know, Gina.”  Taking another drink, Craig stared over at her.  “Come to think of it... the way in which Luke told me, it really did sound like he‘d only just found out.”

 

Quizzically, Gina pondered for a moment.  “Why did Luke tell you he was gay?”

 

“I’d picked up a piece of paper which he’d dropped.  It had another man’s name and phone number on it.”

 

Patting his hand, Gina gazed sympathetically at him.  “That must have really hurt.”

 

“It did.”  Desperately trying to control the tears burning behind his eyes, Craig took a few deep breaths.  “I honestly thought that what we’d shared had been something special, Gina.”  Shrugging in an attempt to negate his feelings, Craig continued, “It seems I was a complete fool... I was simply someone handy to test out his sexuality on, but...”

 

Appalled when she heard this, Gina butted in.  “You mean he was the one who made the first move?”  Watching Craig nod, Gina was horrified to see a single tear trickle down his cheek.  “When?”

 

Struggling for composure, Craig took another deep breath.  “He and Kerry had gone out once.  Luke told me he hadn’t wanted to take matters further with her... then he kissed me.”

 

Moving quickly, Gina got up and slid in beside Craig, so that she could try and shield him from anybody else‘s view.  “And?”

 

“He ran to Kerry.”  Smiling ruefully, Craig looked at Gina.  He’d forgotten how good it felt to be able to talk openly with her.

 

“What happened next?”

 

Pausing, Craig briefly considered.  “Nothing specific.  It was more to do with his body language really.”  Looking at the questioning expression on Gina’s face, Craig elaborated.  “He kept blowing hot and cold... one day almost coming on to me, then the next... the exact opposite.”

 

“What happened on the stag night, Craig?”

 

“I had to take him back to the hotel.  He’d had too much to drink and the others weren’t much better.”  Remembering what had happened earlier that evening, Craig broadly grinned.  “Plus, we’d chained Matt to a lamp post and debagged him.”

 

Sniggering, Gina echoed his amusement.  “Wish I’d seen that.  Whose idea was it?”

 

Smugly, Craig smiled triumphantly.  “Mine.”

 

“You little devil!  I didn’t know you had it in you.”  Patting Craig’s hand, Gina looked at him.  “But... you were telling me about you and Luke in the hotel.”

 

Bleakly, Craig stared down at the table, almost whispering.  “I’m not going into any details, Gina.  Suffice it to say that nothing happened that Luke didn’t want.”

 

“OK, but, what happened...“

 

Suddenly sounding bitter, Craig just stared at her.  “You were what happened next, Gina.”

 

Wincing at his tone of voice, Gina leaned back.  “You don’t know how many times I’ve wished that I’d handled matters differently.  I honestly wish I’d told Kerry the truth.”  Earnestly, Gina gazed into Craig’s eyes.  “She had the right to know.  What I did was to take away her freedom of choice.”

 

“I know.”  Briefly burying his head in his hands, Craig looked up at Gina.  “I’ve often wondered what Luke would have done if you hadn’t walked in on us that morning.  Would he still have gone through with the wedding?  Or...?“

 

“It’s no good dwelling on what might have been, Craig.  You can’t turn the clock back.”  Swigging back the last of her drink, Gina turned to him.  “Come on, hotshot, let’s go and get that curry.”

 

“OK.”

 

Just as she was moving out of the seat so that they could leave the pub, Gina paused as a sudden thought passed through her mind, and looked at Craig.  “You still didn’t tell me why Luke told you he was gay.  Was he unfaithful to Kerry with this bloke?”

 

Shaking his head, Craig stared at her.  “No, that’s just it.  He told me nothing happened with this Joe character, but...“

 

Impatient when Craig paused yet again, Gina raised an eyebrow.  “Get on with it, man!”

 

“I told Luke I didn’t want to listen to his lies, and that he should save them for Kerry.”  Craig paused again, while he tried to remember Luke’s exact words.  “He told me he wasn’t lying to her... I’ve just remembered, Gina: Luke said ’not any more’... but he didn’t elaborate on the remark.”

 

As puzzled as her friend, regarding what Luke had said to him, Gina simply stared at him, before Craig continued, “I finally asked Luke if he was going to tell her he was gay, and he nodded.”

 

“Did he seem upset?”

 

Considering the matter, Craig shook his head.  “No. If anything, he seemed strangely calm.  Very uncharacteristic for Luke.”  Craig smiled ruefully.  “Then the next morning he told me Kerry was pregnant.”

 

Snorting once again, Gina stood up.  “Just for once, I wish the lives of the coppers around me would run smoothly.  Maybe then we could simply concentrate on our jobs and catch villains.”

 

Laughing together, Craig and Gina headed out of the pub to get a meal at one of their favourite curry houses.

 

 

 

********************************

 

 

 

A few days later, disaster struck during the Open Day at the station, when Eva Sharpe’s daughter, Joanne, went missing.  A search was immediately undertaken with house-to-house enquiries.  Luckily, Ruby Buxton found video proof that Joanne had visited a local corner shop, which meant that the search area could be pin-pointed and narrowed down.

 

Craig was co-ordinating various teams of police officers and volunteers searching in the general area, using large scale street by street maps, which enabled each specific section to be crossed off after it had been painstakingly covered.

 

Luke was in one of the groups searching diligently, when he met up with Joe, who was jogging through the park.  Joe grinned when he saw Luke and stopped.

 

“Hey, what’s going on?”

 

Luke cautiously smiled at the other man.  “It’s a search party.  A little girl’s gone missing.”  Remembering the domestic when he’d previously interviewed Joe, Luke continued, “Hey, you live around here, don’t you?  I don’t suppose you’ve seen her?  A black girl, about eight years old.”

 

Apologetically, Joe shook his head.  “No, sorry, I’ll look out for her though.”  Moving a bit closer, Joe smiled at Luke.  “Nice to see you again, Luke.  Thanks again for all your help before.”

 

“Just doing my job.  Hope you haven’t had any more problems?”

 

“No, living the quiet life.”  Smiling broadly, Joe moved even closer.  “Waiting for you to call.”

 

Remembering how uncomfortable Joe had made him feel on the previous occasions when they’d met, Luke edged away.  “Yes, well... listen.  I’d better get on.”

 

Realising that he was moving too quickly for the younger man, Joe backed off, smiling apologetically.  “Sorry, sorry.  Can I help with the search?  I’m not doing anything... nothing important anyway.”

 

Still feeling uneasy, but not about to turn down an offer of help, Luke nodded.  “Yeah, if you want.  The more people the better.”

 

Smiling as usual, Joe looked earnestly at the younger man.  “Fine, where do I start?”

 

“This way.”

 

 

 

********************************

 

 

 

Part way through the search, Craig walked over towards Luke’s team to check on their progress.  While he was listening to Luke’s report, Craig noticed Joe approaching. Without knowing why, or even who the man was, Craig felt the hackles on the back of his neck beginning to rise.

 

“There’s nothing over there, Luke.  Where should I search next?”

 

Craig stood back, watching suspiciously, while Luke directed the stranger to begin searching another area.  When Joe wandered off, Craig turned to the younger man, not being able to prevent himself from glaring jealously at Luke, as he sarcastically enquired, “Is Mr. Sporty a volunteer, or is he just a good friend?”

 

Staring up at the taller man, Luke realised that Craig had ascertained Joe’s predatory instincts.  Looking at Craig, Luke spoke the truth.  “He’s just helping me out.”

 

Watching Craig stalk off towards the next group, Luke realised that Craig hadn’t believed him.  Sadly, Luke stared after the only man he wanted, knowing, because of the way he messed up all their lives, that there was no way he could put Craig’s mind at rest... he had to protect Kerry.

 

 

 

**************************

 

 

 

Taking a short breather, Luke sighed heavily when he noticed that Joe was walking towards him yet again.  So far he’d managed to successfully avoid the man, but obviously his luck had just run out.

 

What Luke didn’t realise, however, was that Craig was standing a short distance away, seething as he impotently watched them, unable to control his pent up feelings of jealously.  Moving towards the other two men, Craig knew that it was petty, but for once he was going to pull rank and break up their happy meeting.

 

Joe’s latest excuse was to ask Luke to examine a nasty looking scratch on his forearm.  Luke was uneasily studying the red mark while Joe was obviously ogling him.

 

“You still haven’t told me?”

 

Puzzled, Luke glanced at him.  “Told you what?”

 

Moving closer, Joe tried to force eye contact.  “Why you didn’t call?”

 

Not wanting to sound completely rude, Luke stammered slightly.  “It was awkward.  I...“

 

Edging closer towards his prey, Joe tried to appear understanding.  “It’s OK, I can understand.  Still... were you tempted?”

 

Before Luke had the chance to tell Joe what he really thought of him, Craig appeared, glowering at them both.  Looking guilty, Luke moved quickly away from Joe, pretending to give a cursory glance at his arm.  “It doesn’t look that bad.”

 

Sounding annoyed, Craig glared at Joe.  “Problem?”

 

Joe smiled insincerely, trying to hide his annoyance at being interrupted just at the moment when he finally thought he was getting somewhere.  “No, it’s nothing, just a scratch.  Those brambles over there.  It’s fine, honestly.”

 

Craig watched as Joe wandered off towards the area he’d previously been searching.  Turning, he looked down at Luke, who was still looking flushed.  “Makes you think, doesn’t it, all this?”  Staring searchingly into Luke’s eyes, who was finding it impossible to look away, Craig continued, “You’re taking on a lot when you bring a child into this world.”  Craig smiled ruefully at Luke.  “It’s not a responsibility that I see myself having to live up to in the future.”

 

When Craig moved away, Luke stared after him in despair, wishing that things could have been different.  That he could turn back the clock to the day when he’d first kissed Craig.  If only he’d been true to his feelings at that moment, then all of this would now be so different.

 

 

 

******************************

 

 

 

Exhausted, the search teams arrived back at Sun Hill.  The officers had protested when they‘d been ordered to return to the station, but they’d been told that they would work much better for having a good meal and rest before going out again.

 

Kerry had been stuck inside the station all day, unhappy at not being able to help in a more direct manner, but knowing that now she was on restricted duties, she had no choice in the matter.  Deciding that she could at least be helpful in moving some light boxes of essential supplies out to the police van, Kerry walked down the ramp.  She hadn’t got very far when Craig walked up behind her, and politely took them away from her.

 

Exasperated, she stared after him, then smiled.  While he was carrying those, she would just go and get some more.

 

Thinking about getting some food, and wearily moving one foot in front of the other, Luke was about to walk up the ramp when he heard his name being called.  Turning round, he cursed under his breath when he realised who had followed him.  Resigned to the inevitable, Luke walked up to Joe, realising that he was probably going to have to spell out his own lack of feelings once and for all.

 

Politely he glanced at the older man.  “Thanks for your help.”

 

Joe gazed avidly at him.  “I’m only sorry we didn’t find her.”

 

Moving away, Luke tried to leave again, only to hear Joe call his name again.

 

Sighing heavily, Luke replied.  “Yeah.”

 

Joe walked up to him.  “Can I talk to you?”

 

Bluntly, Luke turned his back on the other man.  “No.”

 

“Luke.”

 

Wearily, Luke stared at him.  “This is getting silly.”

 

Trying to ignore the negative vibes he was receiving, Joe wasn’t willing to give up his pursuit yet.  “I can’t leave it like this.  I’m attracted to you.  You’re attracted to me.”  Joe moved right up beside Luke, where he was leaning exhausted against a van.  “I know you are... the way you look at me.”

 

Shaking his head at Joe’s obstinacy, Luke tried the polite approach.  “I’m married.  We’re having a baby.  Now go away!”

 

“So what?”

 

Out of sight, hidden behind the back door of the police van, Craig was watching the scene closely, appalled by what he thought he was witnessing.  To Craig, judging by the way Joe was moving closer and closer to Luke, it appeared that the other man was about to kiss Luke.  Unfortunately, Craig was too far away to be able to hear what was being said.  Just then, Craig noticed an added complication -- Kerry was coming down the ramp with more supplies.  Horrified by the thought that she might discover the truth in such an abrupt and cruel manner, and not wanting her to be hurt, Craig left his vantage point and moved to head her off.

 

Not wanting her to see what might be happening; Craig finally decided it would probably be kinder to tell her the truth.  “Kerry, I’m sorry, but...“

 

Suspiciously, she stared at him.  “What’s wrong?”

 

Going for broke, Craig decided it would be better to just say the words.  “Kerry, Luke’s gay.”

 

Already knowing the truth, but playing for time, Kerry decided to probe a bit further.  “Don’t you think I would know if my husband was gay, Craig?”

 

Despairingly, Craig briefly shut his eyes.  “Luke is in the station yard at this moment, Kerry, talking with a man who’s been following him around all afternoon.”

 

“So what?”  Feeling relieved because she knew that Luke’s cover hadn’t been blown, Kerry bluffed it out.  “Just because some bloke fancies Luke, it doesn’t mean he’s gay, Craig.  After all, I should know.”

 

Gazing into her serene eyes, Craig realised that he couldn’t take this torture any more.  Mentally exhausted, his shoulders slumped, he walked back into the station. Sorrowfully, Kerry stared after him.   Sometimes men were such idiots!  It was obvious that Craig loved Luke, and she knew that Luke loved Craig, so why the hell couldn’t they simply talk!  Probably because that would be too easy!  Exasperated, Kerry rolled her eyes... maybe she should just lock them up somewhere together -- then they would be forced to sort themselves out.  Kerry realised that she should be grateful that Luke was so determined to take responsibility for her baby; but she already knew that, even if Craig and Luke did finally manage to get their act together, Luke would always be there as a friend... and probably Craig as well.

 

Ambling down the ramp towards the police van, Kerry stared curiously over to where Luke and another man were talking.  Well, talking wasn’t really the right word for what was going on.  Judging by Luke’s body language, he was beginning to lose his cool.  In fact, it looked like he was going to blow any minute now.  Smiling ruefully, Kerry thought it was a shame that Craig hadn’t stayed around long enough to witness the fall out.  Putting the box in the back of the van, Kerry decided that she might just as well wait around to find out what was going to happen.

 

Glaring at the other man, Luke started walking away.  “I’m not attracted to you.”

 

“Oh, come on, Luke, don’t pretend.  You’re gay, aren’t you?”

 

Remembering something Craig had once said, Luke quickly countered, “That doesn’t mean I’m attracted to every man I meet.”

 

His smile beginning to slip, Joe was still trying to be persuasive.  “Come on, Luke, we could be so good together.”

 

“What does it take to get through to you that I’m just not interested?”

 

Sneering, Joe was finally beginning to realise that he was fighting a losing battle.  “What’s up, Luke?  Afraid wifey will find out?  You won’t be able to hide behind her skirts forever, you know.”

 

Furious at this verbal attack on Kerry, Luke quickly retaliated.  “I don’t.  Kerry knows I’m gay, but that doesn’t mean we’re not happy together.”

 

Hearing what Luke had just yelled, Kerry decided that it would probably be better for her to intervene in case a fight broke out, which wouldn’t do Luke’s career any good.  Walking over, she approached the two men.  “What’s wrong, babe?”

 

“It’s this pillock, Kerry.”  Luke slid his arm around her waist.  “He just can’t get it through his thick skull that I’m not interested in him.”

 

Stunned by the way events were turning out, for the moment Joe had been rendered temporarily speechless.  Finding his voice at last, he commented spitefully, “Did you know that your ever-loving husband was gay?”

 

Smiling blandly, Kerry calmly regarded Joe as though he was something that had just crawled out from under a stone.  “Of course I did.”  Turning to Luke she raised her eyebrows.  “Who’s this, Luke?”

 

“His name’s Joe.”

 

Puzzled for a minute, Kerry suddenly realised where she’d seen Joe before.  She also remembered what Luke had told her.  “I remember.  Luke, isn’t this the bloke who you said turned up at the station the other night, and gave you the creeps?”

 

Trying to hide a smile at the expression of fury on Joe’s face, Luke nodded.  “Yeah.”

 

Turning towards Joe again, Kerry attempted to defuse the situation.  “Why don’t you leave him alone?  He’s not interested in you.”

 

Bitterly, Joe glared at the couple standing so obviously united in front of him.  “What on earth makes you the expert on that?  You wouldn’t have a clue about who he’d really want.”

 

“You’d be surprised, Joe.”  Standing with Luke’s arm around her, the look Kerry gave Joe was almost pitying.  “I know exactly who Luke really wants, and you’re right... it isn’t me.”  Ignoring the triumphant look she was receiving, Kerry continued, “But, at the same time, it isn’t you.  Luke is in love with a good friend of ours, and I’m really happy for him.  This man is everything you could never be in a thousand years: decent, kind, and considerate.”

 

Kissing Kerry on the lips, Luke suddenly grinned.  “You forgot the most important thing, Kerry.”  Quizzically, she turned to stare at her husband.  “He’s a damn sight sexier too!”

 

Furiously, Joe glared impotently at them when they began to laugh.  Then, without another word, he stalked off into the night.

 

Luke smiled ruefully at his wife.  “Thanks, love.”

 

“Don’t mention it... after all, what’s a good wife for?”  Biting her lip, Kerry briefly paused as she wondered what to tell him.  “Luke, I’m sorry, but...”  Sighing, she stroked his cheek.  “I’m not the only one who saw you with Joe.”

 

Feeling slightly nauseous as he semi-guessed what she was about to tell him, Luke finally managed to speak.  “Who?”

 

“Craig.”

 

“Shit!”

 

Gripping hold of Luke’s arm, Kerry gazed sympathetically into his eyes.  “Luke... Craig told me that you were gay!”  Noticing the stricken expression on his face, she continued, “I think he was trying to spare my feelings... maybe he thought I would discover the pair of you snogging?”

 

“Oh, Kerry.”

 

Noticing the tears shining in Luke’s eyes, Kerry put her arms around him in a comforting hug.  “It’s OK, Luke.  Somehow, I just know that things will work out.”

 

 

 

*************************

 

 

 

Co-ordinating the search in the dark wasn’t easy, especially when you’re feeling like your heart has just been ripped out of your body.  Desperately trying to keep control of his emotions, and at the same time keep his concentration levels up, was gradually sapping Craig’s remaining vestiges of strength.  Feeling, rather than seeing, Luke coming towards him, Craig was unable to prevent himself speaking sarcastically to the younger man.

 

“I saw you and Joe earlier, just before Kerry did.”  Somehow managing to keep his dignity intact, despite the jealousy racing through him, Craig continued sternly.  “Seems like you had a close call.”

 

Upset because he knew that Craig was hurting, but very much on his guard, Luke steeled himself to speak with his usual bravado.  “We were just talking.”  Glancing quickly at Craig, Luke changed the subject.  “So, where would you like my team to start searching, Sarge?”

 

Indicating a grid section on the map, Craig sent Luke off.  Just after Luke left, Gemma pointed out that another section on the map, which Craig had said had been covered, hadn’t in fact been touched at all.  Appalled to think that the mistake which he’d just made could have cost a child her life, Craig finally realised that he’d reached the end of his tether.

 

 

 

*******************************

 

 

 

Slumped at his desk with his head resting in his hands, Craig was trying to maintain his normal self discipline: desperately trying not to dissolve into ever-threatening tears.

 

When he’d reported back to Gina, confessing his mistake, she’d been understanding in a most uncharacteristically non-Gina fashion.  She’d poured him a stiff drink, listened to his woes, and then given him a much needed hug.  Craig smiled wryly at his memory of the latter.  It was a good job that most of the troops were out searching: Craig could only imagine the gossip that would have flooded through the station at the news that ’Grumpy Gilmore’ and the ’Wicked Witch’ had been seen having a cuddle!  Next thing you’d know, people would be saying he was on the turn.

 

Having been relieved of his duties on the search, Craig was feeling completely useless.  Although he was still helping to keep the station ticking over, he wanted to be doing something more positive.  Not only that, Craig couldn‘t help wondering what Luke was doing... was Joe out there with him?  Craig sighed heavily: who would have thought he could come to this?  He still remembered arriving at this nick for the first time, so full of confidence, with high hopes for his future.  He’d been much stronger in those days: but of course that had been pre-Luke.

 

What was it about Luke Ashton that had turned him into a romantic idiot?  There had been plenty of men in his past, some of them even better looking than Luke: but it had taken just one look into those beautiful brown eyes, and Craig had turned to mush.  In the past, Craig would have scoffed at the thought of love at first sight: that was something that could never happen to him... well, how are the mighty fallen.

 

Forcing himself to breathe deeply in an effort to calm down, Craig realised that he’d finally made a decision.  He had to leave Sun Hill.  There was no longer any way that he could function effectively around Luke: tonight had shown him that.  A child could have died because of his unprofessional actions, and to Craig that was totally unacceptable.  He now knew that he needed to leave Sun Hill and make a fresh start.  Obviously while the search was continuing, Craig wouldn’t dream of forcing Gina to change her mind: at least he could still make himself useful with the everyday running of the place.  But once everything had calmed down again, then he would go. If necessary, for his sanity’s sake, he would resign.  That of course would be his last option, because to Craig, the police force wasn’t merely a job, it was his life.

 

 

 

****************************

 

 

 

Despite feeling exhausted through lack of sleep, and still trying to come to terms with what had happened the previous day, Craig was in a fairly philosophical mood the following morning.  Having finally reached his decision to leave, Craig was actually feeling more relaxed than he had for a long time.

 

During the search, a man had been discovered beaten up.  Luke had travelled with him in the ambulance to St. Hugh’s, where, to his surprise, Mr. Parkes had refused to admit that anybody had attacked him, and therefore wouldn’t be making a complaint.  Luke had taken his suspicions about Parkes to Acting DI Sam Nixon, who delegated Mickey Webb to do some research.  Luke, in the meantime, was despatched back to the hospital to watch Parkes.

 

After a thorough investigation, and a search of the suspect’s house, it was discovered that Parkes was a paedophile.  Racing down the corridor in search of a lift to the hospital, Mickey entered Craig’s office.  Immediately upon hearing the younger man’s news, and knowing that Luke was guarding the man by himself, Craig offered to drive Mickey.

 

On their arrival at the ward, Luke approached them.  Relieved to see that nothing untoward had happened to Luke, Craig smiled with relief, then congratulated him on his suspicions about Parkes.  Grabbing the opportunity to go for a much needed toilet break, Luke left Craig and Mickey with the paedophile.  While Luke was away, Mickey received a call from DCI Jack Meadows on his mobile phone.  Not being able to use the phone on the ward because of the danger to hospital equipment, Mickey left Craig alone with the man.

 

Suddenly, two men appeared on the ward.  Upon being challenged by Craig, who had instinctively moved to protect Parkes, scum though he was, they went through Craig to get at the other man.  By the time Luke returned, it was all over: Craig was lying on the ground, badly bruised and bleeding profusely.  Horrified by the sight of the man he desperately loved so utterly beaten, Luke could only stare mutely at Craig, numb with shock.

 

Just as Craig was being wheeled on a trolley into the emergency room, Mickey arrived back through the door.  After hearing the details about what had happened to Craig from Luke, Mickey quickly contacted the station.  Luke, who was still traumatised with shock at the sight of Craig‘s injuries, followed the doctors, needing to stay as close as possible to Craig. while he was being treated.

 

By the time Gina and Kerry arrived on the ward, Luke was simply standing gazing through the glass partition of the side ward, watching the doctors who had just finished treating Craig.  After a quick word with one of them, Gina entered the room to see Craig.  Kerry, in the meantime, took one look at Luke’s ashen face, and knew instinctively what he was thinking. Walking towards him, she wrapped her arms around her husband.

 

“Luke, I was so worried, I thought it was you.”

 

Instinctively taking comfort from the gentle arms soothing him, Luke clung on to her.  “God, Kerry, just for a minute I thought Craig was dead... there was so much blood!”  Frantically, he stared into her eyes.  “If anything had happened to him... I don’t know what I would have done!”

 

“Shush, it’s alright. Craig’s going to be fine.”

 

Trying to control the tears shining in his reddened eyes, Luke averted his gaze.  “It should have been me, Kerry.”

 

Shocked, Kerry could only look at him.  “What are you talking about, Luke?”

 

“I was the one who should have been guarding that animal, Kerry.”  Letting go of her, Luke clenched his fists in impotent rage.  “Don’t you see... if Craig hadn’t taken over while I went to the loo, he would be alright now.”

 

“I don’t believe you!”  Kerry furiously glared at him.  “Do you really think that Craig would prefer to see you lying in that bed... rather than him?  Don’t be such a bloody idiot!”

 

Turning to look at her again, Luke smiled wryly.  “Why not?  I deserve it... he doesn’t.”

 

“Oh, Luke!”  Putting her arms around him again, Kerry shook her head philosophically at her husband’s scrambled thinking.  Men!  Would she ever understand them: even this one who was closer to her than most?

 

 

 

**************************

 

 

 

Inside the small room, Craig was gazing in despair at the glass partition, through which he could see Luke and Kerry standing with their arms around each other.  Well at least he wouldn’t have to face that for much longer.  Turning to Gina, he tried to concentrate on what she was saying.

 

“Broken ribs, extensive bruising... you’ll be off for months.”

 

In agony from the beating, Craig looked at her.  “It makes no difference.  I’d already made up my mind.”

 

Faltering in mid flow, Gina gazed down at the steely expression on Craig’s face.  “What do you mean, Craig?”

 

“I want out, Gina.”

 

Horrified, for a moment she was rendered speechless.  Recovering her voice with difficulty, Gina sought to quantify his statement.  “What, from the police force?”

 

“No, from Sun Hill.”  Turning briefly to look at the young couple on the other side of the partition, Craig turned back to Gina.  “I’ve had enough, Gina.  I can’t take any more.”

 

Noticing the tears beginning to gather in Craig’s eyes, Gina forced her own back.  “Leaving me without my favourite Sergeant?”  Realising that this effectively had calmed Craig down again, Gina smiled.  “Leave it with me, Craig.  I’ll sort out the paperwork as quickly as possible.  Not that it will matter anyway... you won’t be working anywhere for quite a while.”

 

“Thanks, Gina.”

 

 

 

**********************

 

 

 

After briefly napping, Craig woke up to discover that Luke was sitting on his bed.  Still in extreme pain, for a moment Craig considered telling Luke to get lost.  But, what was the point?  After all, this might be the last time they would have to be alone together, and bittersweet though it was, Craig knew that he didn’t want to pass up any chance to be with Luke.

 

“How are you feeling?”

 

Closing his eyes against the light, Craig croaked, “Bloody awful.”

 

Staring at the bruised and battered face of the man lying beside him, Luke felt tears well up. “For a moment I thought you were...”

 

Impatiently, Craig answered, still with his eyes closed.  “Well, I’m not.”

 

“I’m glad.”

 

Too shattered to worry about how to phrase his next words, and in too much pain to bother about their effect, Craig spoke simply.  “I’m leaving Sun Hill.”

 

Shattered by this news, Luke felt his control slipping.  “No!”

 

Opening his eyes, Craig gazed at the younger man, noting the pain on his face.  “It’s what you wanted.”

 

“Not really.  Not deep down.”  Forcing back the tears, Luke stared away briefly, then gazed into Craig’s pain-wracked eyes, this time telling him the truth.  “Craig, I’m scared.  Kerry and the baby... I don’t know what to do.”

 

Seeing the tears shining in Luke’s eyes, Craig felt a flicker of hope cautiously enter his heart.  “You’ve got to tell her the truth.  She’s having a baby.  She deserves honesty.”

 

Remembering how he’d already wrecked both Kerry’s and Craig’s lives, and how he’d promised to stand by Kerry, Luke sadly shook his head.  “I can’t.”

 

Feeling the glimmer of hope gradually beginning to dim yet again, Craig spoke almost contemptuously.  “How do you think Eva Sharpe’s feeling right now?  Whatever pain you’re going through, can’t even begin to compare.”  Looking up into the red-rimmed eyes gazing almost mesmerised into his own, Craig continued, “You have to tell Kerry.”

 

Knowing that he wanted nothing more than to tell Craig the truth and pledge his love to him, Luke realised that he desperately needed to know if Craig still loved him.  Kerry had told Luke that she was certain Craig still cared for him.  Reaching out with his hand, Luke gently curved his fingers around Craig‘s.  “Are you still in love with me?  Is that why you want me to come out to Kerry?”

 

Wearily, Craig looked at the younger man.  “You’re a liar, and I’m a liar.  That’s why I’m leaving.  I want to start again.”  Looking at the stricken look in Luke’s eyes, Craig sighed heavily.  “The next time I meet a Luke Ashton, I’m going to be honest from the word go.”

 

Heartbroken to hear this, Luke spoke from the depths of his soul.  “I’m sorry.  Please don’t leave because of me.”

 

“Tell her, Luke.  For once in your life... be honest.”  Almost pleading by now, Craig could only gaze brokenly into Luke‘s anxious eyes.  “If you told Kerry the truth, maybe you and I could have some kind of future.”

 

Outside the room, Kerry was standing back out of sight, her nails digging into her palms, silently willing Luke to finally tell Craig the truth, and admit how much he loved him.  Just as Luke opened his mouth to speak, their intimate tableau was disturbed by a strident voice.

 

“What the hell’s going on?”

 

Whirling round, Luke stared with horror at Gina, who’d just entered through the open door.  Without saying a word, he rushed past her and vanished towards the exit.  Clenching her fists, Kerry swore under her breath... if only she’d seen Gina coming, she might have been able to head her off: but she’d been so engrossed in what was unfolding in front of her, that nothing else could have captured her attention.  With no regard for rank or manners, Kerry walked into the room, grasped Gina firmly by the arm, and pulled her outside into the corridor.

 

Shocked by this treatment, Gina simply gawped at her.  “PC Ashton, what on earth do you think you’re doing?”

 

“Shush!”  Pulling Gina back out of sight, Kerry stared earnestly at her.  “Gina, if you want Craig to be happy again, for once in your life shut up and do what I tell you.”

 

Suspiciously, Gina narrowed her eyes.  “You’d better have a good explanation for this, Kerry.”

 

“If you hadn’t walked in right then, Gina, Luke would have probably told Craig he loved him.”  Sighing heavily, Kerry smiled ruefully.  “There isn’t time to give you the full story now, but suffice it to say, that because of some things that have happened, Luke thinks he needs to look after me.”

 

Stunned, Gina gazed at her.  “And he doesn‘t?”

 

Shaking her head decisively, Kerry rested her hand on Gina’s arm.  “No.  Luke belongs with Craig, but he’s too bloody stubborn to admit it.  You know what Luke’s like, Gina: once he’s got an idea in his head, it would take a miracle to shift it.”  Gesturing towards the room where Craig was laying injured, Kerry continued, “Until you interrupted them, I thought that what had happened to Craig had done the trick, but it's obviously time for Plan B. and we need to move fast.”

 

“What can I do?”

 

“Find Luke.  Order him to come back up here if you have to, and in the meantime leave the rest to me.”

 

Curiously, Gina raised her eyebrows.  “What are you going to do?”

 

“I’ve got to speak to Craig.”  Gazing reassuringly at Gina, Kerry suddenly grinned.  “There’s a few things he needs to know... and if Luke won’t tell him, I will.”

 

Happy to do anything that might ensure Craig’s happiness, Gina smiled with complicity at the younger woman, then obediently walked down the corridor in the same direction that Luke had previously exited with such haste.

 

Taking a few deep breaths to calm herself, Kerry quietly entered Craig’s side ward.  Looking over at her friend, who had his face averted from her; Kerry winced when she noticed the damage that had been inflicted.  No wonder Luke had been so afraid: even after all the blood had been cleaned up, and his injuries had been stitched and dressed, Craig was obviously still in bad shape.

 

Walking around the bed, Kerry was horrified to realise that Craig was silently crying.  Taking her hanky from her pocket, Kerry leaned over Craig and gently dabbed at the tears around his eyes.  Warily, Craig gazed up at Kerry when she sat down in almost the same place which Luke had previously occupied on the bed.  As she smiled sympathetically at him, Craig forced himself to stop crying, but half closed his eyes in an attempt to hide his feelings.

 

“I won’t ask how you’re feeling, Craig, because it’s pretty obvious you feel lousy.”  Not bothering to wait for an answer, Kerry gently reached out for his hand.  “What on earth am I going to do with the pair of you?”  Shocked by this frank statement, Craig could only stare mutely up at her.  “Gina’s gone to look for Luke.  If necessary, she’ll order him to come back.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because it’s about time the pair of you sorted yourselves out!”

 

Horrified by this piece of plain speaking, as usual Craig tried instinctively to protect Luke.  “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Kerry.”

 

“Bollocks!”

 

“Kerry!”

 

“Don’t ‘Kerry’ me, Craig.  There are things you need to know.  I’ve been trying to persuade Luke to tell you, but...“  Dramatically sighing, Kerry rolled her eyes.  “You know how stubborn he can be.”

 

Smiling wryly despite himself, Craig gave an infinitesimal nod.  “Yeah, I know.”

 

“Well, I’ve decided that if he won’t tell you -- then I will.”  Kerry paused as she wondered where to begin.  “Craig, there’s no need for Luke to be honest with me and tell me the truth.”

 

Appalled, Craig stared up into her calm blue eyes.  “You heard what we were saying?”

 

“I was standing outside the room.”  Gently, Kerry curved her fingers more firmly around Craig’s.  “But it made no difference, Craig, because I already knew.”

 

“Kerry, I...”

 

“Shush, let me speak.”  Taking a deep breath, Kerry gazed steadily into Craig’s eyes.  “Luke told me about his stag night when we came back from honeymoon, and...”

 

Interrupting, Craig burst out, “I’m sorry, Kerry.  God, you must really hate me.”

 

“Of course I don’t.”

 

“But why?”

 

“Because Luke told me that it was his fault.”  Kerry smiled ruefully at the stunned expression on Craig’s face.  “He told me everything, Craig: about kissing you in your office, the way he made your life hell, and finally what happened on his stag night.  Believe me, Craig, for once in his life Luke was totally honest.”

 

“But why?”

 

“Because when he first told me about the stag night, I blamed you, and Luke told me that wasn’t fair.”  Laughing ironically, Kerry sighed again.  “Mind you, that’s not to say that I forgave Luke... that took a bit longer.”

 

Feeling that he’d just received the death knell to all his hopes and dreams, with this surprising new knowledge that Kerry already knew that her husband was gay, Craig closed his eyes in the faint hope that Kerry would think that he was tired and simply leave him alone.  Who would ever have thought that Kerry could bring herself to condone, let alone forgive Luke for his actions?  Feeling his tears beginning to well up again, Craig desperately forced them back down: after all, his pride was all that he had left now.

 

Perplexed by the reaction she was receiving, Kerry stared down at the tense figure lying beside her.  “What’s wrong, Craig?  I thought you would be pleased?”

 

“Why the hell would you think that?”

 

Bemused, Kerry gazed into the angry eyes staring into her own.  “Because you told Luke that if he told me, then the pair of you might have some kind of future together.”

 

Puzzled in his turn, Craig gripped her hand for the first time.  “Kerry, I honestly don’t know what you’re getting at.  You said it yourself: you’ve forgiven Luke.  Not only that, you‘re...”  Faltering, Craig glanced at her, and then sadly looked away.  “You’re expecting Luke’s baby.”

 

Finally realising what was wrong with him, Kerry leaned forward so that she could see Craig‘s face.  “Craig, look at me.”  Studying his averted face, Kerry smiled.  “Craig Gilmore, in your own way you’re just as stubborn as Luke!”

 

Affronted, Craig turned and glared at her, then smiled wryly when he realised that Kerry had achieved what she’d wanted.

 

“That’s better: it’s no fun nagging a bloke when you can’t see his reaction.”

 

Wearily, Craig moved slightly in the bed in a vain attempt to find a more comfortable spot and relieve some of his pain.  “Go on then, say what you want to... after all, I‘m a captive audience.”

 

Sympathetically, Kerry gazed down at him.  “Do you want me to ask one of the nurses if you can have some more painkillers?”

 

“No, they just make me woozy.”  Staring over at Kerry, Craig was surprised when he noticed for the first time she seemed uncertain how to proceed.  “Why don’t you just tell me, Kerry?”

 

“Craig, Luke is with me because...”  Pausing yet again, Kerry finally decided that it was better to baldly tell him the truth.  “Luke isn’t with me because he loves me... he stayed with me because he feels guilty.”

 

“Huh?”

 

Stroking her stomach in an unconscious gesture, Kerry briefly averted her eyes, staring down at the floor.  “This baby isn’t Luke’s, Craig.”

 

“WHAT?”

 

“Shush!  You’ll get me chucked out if they think I’m upsetting you.”  Letting go of Craig’s hand, Kerry gently patted it.  “Oh, Craig, don’t you see?  You were right all along... Luke’s gay.”

 

“So?”

 

“For heavens sake, just think about it!”  Gazing at the uncomprehending expression on Craig’s face, Kerry realised she was going to have to be blunt.  “After Luke had been to bed with you, Craig, he couldn’t make love with me.”

 

Stunned by this news, Craig blushed.  “Oh...”

 

“Yes, oh!”  Sniggering at the colour of Craig’s cheeks, Kerry grinned wickedly.  “In fact, if I remember his exact words, Luke said that you’d spoilt him for anyone else!”

 

Shocked, but secretly pleased, Craig sought to clarify the situation.  “So when I tried to warn you about that bloke...?”

 

“That Joe creature?  He never stood a chance: Luke and I saw him off between us.”

 

“But he seemed to be everywhere Luke was...“  Still worried, Craig looked at Kerry.

 

“Yeah, but right from the beginning Luke told me that it felt like Joe was stalking him.”

 

Glancing quickly at Kerry, Craig blushed guiltily, then looked away.  “I thought Luke was attracted to him, Kerry.”

 

“You still don’t see it, do you?”  Exasperated, Kerry glared at him.  “For God’s sake, Craig, what does it take to get through to you?  Luke’s in love with you!”  Rendered speechless by this simple statement, Craig could only stare at her with a tormented expression in his eyes.  “I told you that you’d spoilt Luke for anyone else, Craig, and I meant it!  What else could it mean but he loved you?”

 

“Kerry, I...”

 

“Craig, my marriage to Luke was never consummated.”  Sadly, Kerry gazed into Craig’s strained eyes.  “Luke tried, oh, believe me, he tried.”  Taking a deep breath, Kerry looked down at her hand intertwined with Craig’s.  “To be blunt, he couldn’t get an erection.  He then told me that he didn’t love me, well, not in that way, anyway.”  Lifting her head again, Kerry looked at Craig, taking strength from the empathic expression on his face.  “Luke loves me like the sister he never had, Craig.  At the same time, I’m also his best friend and confidant.”

 

“Kerry, I’m so sorry.”

 

“Don’t be, it’s not your fault.”  Wiping a tear away from her eye, Kerry tried to smile.  “Looking back now, I should have realised that it was always you, and not me, that Luke loved.  The signs were there all along, I just chose to see what I wanted to see.”  Kerry blew her nose then suddenly laughed.  “Talk about being blinkered: even Carl knew and tried to warn me. Now that really does make me feel like a blonde bimbo!”

 

Still trying to take in what he’d just been told, Craig stared earnestly at her.  “In that case, why did you both decide to carry on with an empty marriage?”

 

“It was a screen for both of us really.”  Kerry smiled ruefully.  “Luke was terrified that people would find out that he was gay.”  Hesitating briefly, she gazed at him.  “Not only that, he thought you didn’t want him anymore.”

 

“Why on earth did he think that?”

 

“Think about it, Craig.  When he returned from honeymoon and went to find you, you more or less told him that you’d made a mistake, and that any future relationship was going to be strictly professional.”

 

Stricken, Craig stared at her.  “I was trying to protect myself.”

 

“That’s what I figured; but unfortunately every time I suggested that Luke talk to you, he backed away.”

 

Remembering what Luke had previously told him, Craig hesitated, then decided to come clean.  “Except once.”

 

Puzzled, Kerry looked at him.  “What do you mean?”

 

“Luke came up to me after shift one day and admitted he was gay.  He said he was going home to tell you.”  Noting by the expression on her face that Kerry was obviously flabbergasted to hear this, Craig gazed earnestly at her.  “The next morning, Kerry, he told me you were pregnant.”

 

Instantly understanding what had happened, Kerry nodded to herself.  “So that’s why...”  Studying the bemused expression on Craig’s face, Kerry pulled a face.  “I was out with the girls that night.  Luke was already asleep when I got in.  The next morning he heard me being sick and realised that I was pregnant.”  Tears shining in her eyes, Kerry cautiously brushed Craig’s hair back off his brow.  “I’m so sorry, Craig.  He never told me because he knew I would have told him to go to you.”

 

“But why?”

 

Having asked the question, Craig was surprised when Kerry blushed a fiery red.  “Because of how this baby was conceived.  I keep telling Luke it wasn’t his fault... nobody forced me.  But he blames himself, even though I really want this child.”

 

“Go on.”

 

“We both knew it couldn’t be Luke’s child because I’d had a period after last sleeping with him: which the scan has now confirmed.  Luke and I didn’t sleep together for the last few days before the wedding... we were trying to make the wedding night special.  Well, you know what happened next.”

 

Faltering, Kerry looked down at the bedclothes.  “I’m so ashamed, Craig.  When I realised that Luke didn’t want me, I thought... I’ll show him: if he doesn’t want me, there will be plenty of others who do.”  Remembering what she’d done, Kerry began to cry quietly.  “I was trying to make him jealous.  When he tried to stop me, just for a moment I thought I’d succeeded... but, it was because he wanted to protect me.”

 

“Oh, Kerry.”

 

Pulling her hanky out, Kerry dried her eyes and smiled tremulously.  “Now of course I know that Luke did care... but not in the way I wanted.”  Taking a deep shaky breath, Kerry stared into Craig’s sympathetic eyes.  “To be honest, Craig, I don’t have a clue who the baby’s father is, or even how many men I slept with.  Towards the end of the honeymoon I didn‘t have many sober moments”

 

“Oh my God!  Kerry, have you had the...”

 

“Yes, don’t worry.  Apart from being pregnant, I’ve got a complete clean bill of health.  I was lucky this time, and to be honest, that’s why I asked Luke to continue with our sham of a marriage.”

 

“I don’t understand.”

 

“For some reason I don’t understand, Luke gives me stability.  I can talk to him.”  Kerry grinned at him.  “Funnily enough, since our wedding, we’ve become even closer... we tell each other everything.”  Raising her eyebrows, Kerry remembered one lapse.  “Well, almost everything. He didn’t tell me he’d told you he was gay... but I can understand why.”  Gripping Craig’s hand even tighter, if possible, Kerry stared at him.  “Now, can you understand why he’s on a guilt trip?”

 

Wearily, Craig nodded.  “You need him, Kerry, I’m not going to spoil that for you.”

 

Indignantly, Kerry glared at him.  “I ought to bang your silly heads together!  I don’t care what either of you think, you belong together! And that’s where you’re going to be.”

 

Trying not to laugh because of the pain in his ribcage, Craig contented himself with smiling tenderly at Kerry.  He had a feeling that it was going to be easier to go with the flow than to try and argue with her.

 

 

 

******************************

 

 

 

After searching through most of the likely bolt holes in the hospital, Gina stood outside, desperately wondering where Luke had gone.  Gina sighed as she reached for her radio.  Up until that point she‘d managed to avoid using it, not wanting to alert CAD that there was a problem.  “Sierra Oscar One to Three Six Two.  Location, please?”  Hearing only a continuous static coming from the radio, Gina barked again, “Sierra Oscar One to Three Six Two.  You’d better answer me, Luke!”

 

For a few moments the buzz continued, and then a hesitant voice answered, “Three Six Two to Sierra Oscar One.  I’m in the car park at St. Hugh’s, Ma’am.”

 

“Whereabouts, Luke?”

 

“By the police car, Ma’am.”

 

Relieved that she wouldn’t have to chase him all over the borough, Gina spoke fairly pleasantly.  “Stay where you are, Luke, I’ll come to you.”

 

“Yes, Ma’am.”

 

Walking briskly over to where she’d previously parked the squad car that she’d used to drive Kerry and herself to the hospital, Gina breathed a sigh of relief when she saw Luke waiting, staring warily at her as she approached.  When she got nearer, Gina curiously studied the tense expression on Luke’s face.  He was ashen and obviously extremely upset.

 

“Are you alright, Luke?”

 

Not trusting himself to speak, Luke nodded briefly.

 

Exasperated, she rolled her eyes at this show of bravado.  “Rubbish!  Look at you: you can hardly even stand up straight, and certainly wouldn’t be fit to drive a car.”  She gazed at him sympathetically.  “You ought to be off duty, Luke.”

 

“I can manage.”

 

Snorting with derision, Gina smiled sardonically.  “I doubt it.  Anyway, I want you to come with me now.”

 

Suspiciously, Luke stared at her.  “Where?”

 

Impatiently, Gina glared when she realised that she’d been rumbled.  “Back upstairs, Luke.  I believe there’s a question of some unfinished business to take care of.”

 

Stubbornly, Luke averted his eyes.  “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Ma’am.”

 

“That’s not what your wife said.  She told me to fetch you.”

 

Scared by what else Kerry might have said, Luke’s stricken eyes briefly met Gina’s before looking away again.  “I can’t.”

 

“Can’t what, Luke?  Face your wife, or face Craig?”

 

Almost wailing with distress, Luke shouted at her, “I won’t do it!”

 

Carefully studying the tears pouring down Luke’s face, and knowing that he was still recovering from the shock he’d received earlier, Gina’s tone became gentler.  “Yes, you will, because I’m making it an order.”  Resting a hand firmly on Luke’s shoulder, Gina smiled at him.  “Come on, Luke, mop yourself up.  You don’t want to be seen in that state, do you?”

 

Shaking his head, Luke pulled out a hanky, made the necessary repairs, and meekly followed Gina back into the building.

 

 

 

*******************************

 

 

 

Craig and Kerry were in the side ward, quietly talking together, when they heard footsteps coming towards them.  Staring hopefully at each other, they smiled with relief when they saw Gina and Luke standing in the doorway.  Climbing off the bed, Kerry walked towards her husband and took his hand.

 

“Luke, I’ve told Craig the whole story, so I think it’s time that you two had a chat.”

 

Shocked, he stared at her.  “Why, Kerry?  You didn’t need to.”

 

“Yes, I did!  I thought it was time Craig knew the truth, and I knew you wouldn’t tell him.”  Staring at the stunned expression on Luke’s face, Kerry kissed him on the cheek.  “Luke, look at me.”  Looking into his eyes, Kerry smiled gently.  “You’ll still be able to keep an eye on me, you know.”  Leaning closer, she whispered in his ear.  “Craig will be able to help too, you know.”  Mischievously, she continued, “You’d both better be good at changing nappies!”

 

Taking courage from this, Luke looked nervously over at the man lying in the bed, who was smiling encouragingly at him.  Approaching the bed, Luke sat down in his previous position, and apprehensively waited for Craig to speak.  Behind him, Kerry firmly ushered Gina out of the room, shutting the door behind her.  The last thing both men heard was Kerry saying, “Don’t get your knickers in a twist, Gina.  I’m going to tell you the whole story.”

 

Amused at the way Kerry was treating Gina, Craig and Luke smiled cautiously at each other.  Suddenly feeling nervous, Craig cleared his throat.  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

“I couldn’t.  It wouldn’t have been fair to Kerry.”  No longer able to control his tears, Luke desperately wiped his cheeks.  “Don’t you see? Everything was my fault... all of it.  I hurt both of you -- I even hurt Carl!”

 

“You hurt yourself as well.”

 

Looking downwards, Luke could only nod.  Finding his courage, he looked up at Craig again.  “I thought you didn’t want me anymore.”

 

“So Kerry told me.”  Carefully reaching out with his hand, Craig took hold of Luke’s.  “Love doesn’t die that easily, Luke.  I still want you.  I still love you.”

 

Shakily, Luke stroked the back of Craig’s hand.  “I’ve always loved you, Craig.  I’m sorry I hurt you.”

 

“It’s OK.”

 

“No, it isn’t.  You don’t know how much I’ve wanted to tell you the truth since we came back from the honeymoon.  But I couldn’t.  I had to protect Kerry.”

 

Beaming with joy, Craig gently tugged at Luke’s hand to pull him downwards.  “We’ll do that between us from now on.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yes.”

 

Leaning over Craig, Luke lightly touched his lips to those of the man he loved, feeling the usual surge of electricity as he kissed him.  Elated by Craig’s response, Luke deepened the kiss until he felt Craig wince slightly.  Breathless, Luke moved away, smiling ruefully into the dark brown eyes gazing into his own.  “I hope you get better quickly.”

 

Laughing, then wincing at the pain in his ribs, Craig nodded.  “So do I, love, so do I.”

 

 Clare © 2004 


End file.
